I hate making mistakes I could have prevented.
Last Sunday, my therapist asked, “What if you binge to accept yourself? What if it’s your way to allow yourself to be imperfect?” In the past, I considered it to be punishment, but it makes sense that I would do something like that over and over. I’m alone, free to do as I please, and that’s what I did to feel okay about myself, even if I knew it wasn’t okay. When I told her I felt bad about it, she then asked, “How were you supposed to know? You were given the tools at a young age, and they worked well for you for so long, but now you’re hurting. How were you supposed to know when it felt right at the time?”
Oh, we found an apartment. It’s a lot further out, but it’s near the MAX and as long as we’re near the MAX, I’m fine. I’m overwhelmed right now, and I don’t know how to communicate with Wes that I need him to help more. He’s doing everything he can, but he hasn’t moved much in his life and since I’ve done it so many times, it’s natural that I’m doing most of it.
Let’s see if I can actually publish rather than half finishing these posts.
- We received a 90 day notice from our landlord. It’s hard finding a place in a decent location, but I’m feeling more optimistic than upset. Though it’ll be very difficult building up our savings again since we have to increase our budget by another $400. All I can say is that I better find a fucking house.
- I started therapy on Sunday. So far, I really like it. I feel a lot more aware of how I treat myself. Yesterday, I filled out a questionnaire, and it made me painfully aware of how much I need help.
- My sister contacted me yesterday. She’s having issues with mom and dad. My mom contacted me recently and apologized for how she treated me as a kid. It was over e-mail, but that’s definitely more than she’s ever done. She actually sounds a lot like me as a teenager. I feel awful for missing such important parts of her life. I guess I didn’t know where I belonged and instead of finding a way, I ran.
- Summer Flake is flawless.
- In the past few months, I’ve made an extra effort to open up and meet more people, but it doesn’t seem to work out. But I guess there are so many people out in the world, it’s not going to fit perfectly. Yhere were a few instances where I wasn’t interested in continuing the friendship just because I felt incompatible with the person, and I didn’t really feel like I was being me. The only time I really feel like I’m being me is when I’m by myself. I think that’s true for most people though. I’ve been looking at Meetup, and I plan on joining a book club.
- I feel very uncertain about my life. Welcome to the club, Jo.
So I found the vinyl deal of the century (not really). Groupon has a 20% off deal, and I found another deal on Music Millennium ($20 for used items, only paid $8). And Music Millennium is celebrating their 47th year, so they’re taking off 20% for all new and used items. Yas.
This is why I’m broke.
I had the oddest memory come back to me. After I graduated high school, I moved to Roseburg for a few months, and I remember listening to all of my mix tapes. The drive felt so quick. The song I remember the most is The Light by Mirah. There are two versions, and my absolute favorite is the one from To All We Stretch an Open Arm. I played that song so much on my tape player that I knew exactly when to stop when rewinding.
- This morning, I sat with one of my neighbors on the bus to work. It was really nice considering we never really see each other.
- I think the best way to deal with workplace drama is to not deal with it. A co-worker and I used to be really good friends, but there was a mistake at work, and I took responsibility for my part, but she then stopped talking to me. It hurt a lot for bit, but I began to realize that I cannot control what people think or feel about me. And the more she separated herself from me, the more I realized she was very unkind (comparing childhood troubles, speaking over me and not letting me finish a thought, talking smack about everyone, including people she liked). She still makes a point to walk by my desk and talk loudly, but I’m not partaking in it. It’s just exhausting dealing with people like this. I don’t care enough to face her, and I guess in my way I’m participating in this, but I really don’t know what else to do. In terms of lifestyle, we couldn’t be more different, so I suppose that difference was bound to show up lately. I’d like to think I’m accepting of people’s differences, but maybe part of this is my fault? I don’t really know. I guess I feel really hopeless in terms of human relationships. But then again, I can’t control what other people choose to see in others. I know I should let this go, but I’m definitely hurt.
- The enchiladas I made yesterday were fantastic.
- I signed up for a booth at Crafty Wonderland. I plan on selling prints and photo books. I will know on the 29th if my application is accepted. Until then, I’m planning out photos to print and remaking a photo book.
Wes usually goes to sleep before I do. He’ll call Dippy, and Dippy will immediately run to the bedroom. A few moments later, Dippy will come by and meow until I go to bed. There’s no other way to silence him.
I’m also obsessed with this song.
$5 for a 7″, so I went for it. I don’t think I have enough singles in my life. I’m waiting for pinkshinyultrablast’s new record. I received the shipment information yesterday along with a download code, but I want to wait until I hear it on vinyl. Nerd.
I’m not sure if it’s the sun or what, but I’m feeling really positive this week. The bake sale was a small success, and I’ve gotten so much done at work. There’s a lot more to do, but it’s nice working at a place where there’s flexibility. I’m also learning how to accept people who don’t really get me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m met with judgment, but that’s not really my problem. I wish relationships with others were easier, but I realize everyone is going through their own problems just like I am. Even if I’m not met with kindness, I can still be kind.
I’m making more refried beans this weekend, because they were incredible the last time we had them. This time around, I’m making it with homemade stock, and the chicken I have will be used for enchiladas. Wes is also in the mood for chicken parmesan, so that’s happening. A few times. Last week, I made ramen for the first time, broth and ramen noodles. I didn’t have much to add to the soup, but Wes is getting a few extra vegetables for me to use tonight. I found an interesting recipe online that used baked soda. You bake baking soda at 250 for about an hour and include it with the recipe. I’m not sure if that made a difference, but the noodles were great. I find it hilarious that ramen is so popular with people my age considering we were forced to eat it during hard times. But when you get it from a good restaurant or make it at home, it’s great.
Last week, I worked out my budget, and I can pay off all of my debt by March of next year. I do have to be a bit strict, but we have a good emergency fund, and I am just ready to live without debt. I will also save $3,000 in interest, so that’s a plus. In the past, I was horrible with money, but I feel so much better about debt and finances. After everything is paid off, I’m going to max out my Roth IRA and put more toward my retirement account at work. I feel like an adult. At 27. But I’m sure tomorrow I won’t feel like an adult at all. Especially when I’m in my underwear until noon playing video games.
Wes found two bento boxes for me at the grocery store. I haven’t been very creative with my boxes, but it’s fun putting together fruits and veggies for the work day.
For the past few months, Wes has been riding his bike to work everyday. He takes the bus home since his route isn’t very bike friendly but at 5 a.m., it’s deserted, so he goes for it. He’s improved his time tremendously and bikes about three times a week. This then prompted me to begin walking to work again. When I started, I was super into it but Wes brought me down to earth. I don’t want to get injured again, so I’m going to get back into it slowly. This week, I walked to work twice. I plan on doing three times next week and continuing that until I feel ready to add another day. Wes and I are so different in that aspect. I’m all or nothing, and he’s slow and steady. He’s a crock pot. I’m a cast iron. It works that way. I push him harder, and he tells me to slow down and enjoy the process. Who knew the love of my life would complement me so well?
Do you ever have so much to do you don’t know where to start so you just do other things that aren’t even on your list? And then you freak out and procrastinate even more?
I’m setting up a bake sale later in the month for a food drive. I’m a little bit more into it than I should be.
I’m making risotto and lasagna this weekend. I’m a little too excited.
I’m in the middle of meal prep and came up with a brilliant idea. The idea mainly sprouted from laziness, but laziness is just another word for resourceful. I had the flour out to make the dumpling wrappers for the potstickers and thought, “Why don’t I just make these into meatballs?” So I’m making them into meatballs. It should go great with the vegetable stir fry I’m making. I did a Google search, and it turns out potsticker meatballs are already a thing. I’m sure mine will be just as tasty.
I tried parmesan truffle fries for the first time yesterday, and they were great. I might try truffle popcorn tonight.
As someone with an issue with binge eating, it’s strange to me that I find comfort in cooking so much. I still use food to deal with life sometimes, but I’m doing so much better. I do my best when I’m cooking. Since food is unavoidable, I figured it was better to fall in love with it rather than demonize it. My problem with food wasn’t that I liked it too much. It was that I used it as a way to punish myself.
Update: after a day of cooking, I just realized our fridge isn’t working. The replacement is coming tomorrow. Until then, we’re packing everything in ice and hoping that helps. I think it’ll be fine.
Also, I made cheesecake.
Wes and I did our taxes yesterday, and I must have filled something out wrong the first time, because we originally owed almost $2,000. I’m glad we double checked. Also, it was incredibly cute doing our taxes together.
Meal prep for next week
- pork dumplings
- wonton soup (maybe?)
- chicken arroz caldo w/ ginger
- vegetable stir fry
- roasted garlic potato soup
- sesame ginger salmon
- bang bang chicken
I haven’t eaten out in over two weeks, which is a feat considering December was eat at all the food carts month. I was feeling really burnt out with cooking all the time since I wasn’t meal planning like I usually do. So I guess this is a plug for meal planning. It works.