Wes: Am I just being too sensitive? I feel like I have such a thin skin with you, and I hate it.

Me: Maybe that’s what love is? Your skin has to be thin to let someone in.


Monday’s suck.

I’ve spent the past month trying to write a post but could never finish. Let’s try one more time!

  • We will be debt free by next month. After that, our next goal is to rebuild our emergency fund (one year’s worth) and then fully fund our IRAs and my retirement account through work. We haven’t really decided what to do after that, but we’re really happy with where we’re headed. I think if we continue at the rate we’re going, we can buy a house by our mid thirties.
  • I make obscenely delicious burritos. Wes is also obsessed with this corn salad/salsa I make. Why is fresh corn the best thing ever?
  • I love therapy. I had a rough patch a month ago, but now it’s even better. It’s just really cool seeing my progress from session to session.
  • For my birthday, I’m getting more plants and hopefully a septum piercing. Thought about it for a while and figured the time is now. Wes gave me my gifts early, and they were all incredibly thoughtful. I especially love the cape he bought me.
  • This is the happiest I’ve ever been.


The best part about moving is when the new place begins to feel like a home. Even better, doing serious cooking for the first time. I didn’t think the kitchen was that big until I did some cooking over the weekend. I made potstickers, fried rice and a lot of chili.

I finally wrote some poetry. I’m learning to write everyday, even if it’s in short bursts. This might never be a true daily ritual, but I’m writing, and that’s all that matters.

After we finished cleaning the duplex, I did a video walkthrough just in case my landlord tries to pull some shit. The floor was still a little wet from mopping, and I slipped and gloriously fell about twelve steps. It wasn’t too bad at first, but I’m noticing all kinds of bruises.Wes ran over to me and helped me up. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so concerned. I sat outside while he went in to finish the video. Mr. Winston, Kathy’s outdoor cat, came over to greet me. When I first moved to Portland and found the duplex, he was the first to greet me. In fact, for the first week of me moving in, he would come by in the morning before the bus came for work to sit with me. And when I came back home, he would sit on my dining table purring and taking bites of whatever I brought home. It was probably the best end of a chapter. I don’t miss living there. I have never been able to admit how hard moving here was. I have never wanted to protect myself so much, and I hid myself from a lot of experiences. But even in all of that, I found a way to grow. I feel so much stronger now and feel ready for the many challenges that will come in this life (even if I don’t feel that way all the time).

I decided to telecommute today so I could rest. It’s almost like Dippy knows where all of my bruises are, because he is determined to walk all over them.

We didn’t have time over the weekend to make it to IKEA or the Portland nursery, but we did go grocery shopping at Fubonn.  For some reason upon entering the store I couldn’t stop sneezing. We had a lot of fun though, and I made Wes a few meals from my childhood. Also, I’m not making gyoza wrappers anymore unless I have a pasta machine.

I am so obsessed with Summer Flake. I was on Bandcamp looking up new music to listen to, and I heard “Shoot and Score.” I thought it was great but wanted to wait until the full album was released to listen to all the songs. From start to finish, Hello Friends is just remarkable. There’s something so familiar about the music, yet it’s also so fresh about her guitar playing and voice.

I should really go to sleep.

  • Therapy is helping, and I started at such a good time. Usually, I feel really inundated after moving, but I almost feel like we didn’t even move.
  • The place is all unpacked and organized, but I’m going to IKEA this weekend to get photo/poster frames. We also haven’t set up our TV yet since we left our screwdriver at our old apartment. I love our place.
  • I can’t wait to get back into the cooking groove. It’s been nice not worrying about meal plans, but I’m ready to get back to it. I had McDonald’s for the first time in five years, and it was delicious.
  • I really hate doing meeting minutes.

I love our apartment. After the stress of it all, I finally had a moment last night to just walk around and appreciate everything. I originally wasn’t looking forward to moving into a complex, but it seems really quiet so far. Our place is really spacious with plenty of light. I love that we’re close to the MAX, and there’s a bus stop just outside of our complex. The street is busy, but the place is well insulated. I do miss living in a neighborhood, but this will work while Wes and I save up to buy a home.

Lately, I’m realizing that being kind to myself is just as much of a decision as being cruel. The cruelty is learned, but it’s easy, because I’ve done it so long. I hope someday kindness will be my first instinct.

Last Sunday, my therapist asked, “What if you binge to accept yourself? What if it’s your way to allow yourself to be imperfect?” In the past, I considered it to be punishment, but it makes sense that I would do something like that over and over. I’m alone, free to do as I please, and that’s what I did to feel okay about myself, even if I knew it wasn’t okay. When I told her I felt bad about it, she then asked, “How were you supposed to know? You were given the tools at a young age, and they worked well for you for so long, but now you’re hurting. How were you supposed to know when it felt right at the time?”

Oh, we found an apartment. It’s a lot further out, but it’s near the MAX and as long as we’re near the MAX, I’m fine. I’m overwhelmed right now, and I don’t know how to communicate with Wes that I need him to help more. He’s doing everything he can, but he hasn’t moved much in his life and since I’ve done it so many times, it’s natural that I’m doing most of it.

Let’s see if I can actually publish rather than half finishing these posts.

  • We received a 90 day notice from our landlord. It’s hard finding a place in a decent location, but I’m feeling more optimistic than upset. Though it’ll be very difficult building up our savings again since we have to increase our budget by another $400. All I can say is that I better find a fucking house.
  • I started therapy on Sunday. So far, I really like it. I feel a lot more aware of how I treat myself. Yesterday, I filled out a questionnaire, and it made me painfully aware of how much I need help.
  • My sister contacted me yesterday. She’s having issues with mom and dad. My mom contacted me recently and apologized for how she treated me as a kid. It was over e-mail, but that’s definitely more than she’s ever done. She actually sounds a lot like me as a teenager. I feel awful for missing such important parts of her life. I guess I didn’t know where I belonged and instead of finding a way, I ran.
  • Summer Flake is flawless.
  • In the past few months, I’ve made an extra effort to open up and meet more people, but it doesn’t seem to work out. But I guess there are so many people out in the world, it’s not going to fit perfectly. Yhere were a few instances where I wasn’t interested in continuing the friendship just because I felt incompatible with the person, and I didn’t really feel like I was being me. The only time I really feel like I’m being me is when I’m by myself. I think that’s true for most people though. I’ve been looking at Meetup, and I plan on joining a book club.
  • I feel very uncertain about my life. Welcome to the club, Jo.

So I found the vinyl deal of the century (not really). Groupon has a 20% off deal, and I found another deal on Music Millennium ($20 for used items, only paid $8). And Music Millennium is celebrating their 47th year, so they’re taking off 20% for all new and used items. Yas.

This is why I’m broke.

I had the oddest memory come back to me. After I graduated high school, I moved to Roseburg for a few months, and I remember listening to all of my mix tapes. The drive felt so quick. The song I remember the most is The Light by Mirah. There are two versions, and my absolute favorite is the one from To All We Stretch an Open Arm. I played that song so much on my tape player that I knew exactly when to stop when rewinding.