A Tale of Summer Sales & Personal Growth

I’ve missed writing.

I purchased a lot of games for the Steam summer sale.

  • Morrowind (Wes’ favorite game, had to get it)
  • Fallout: New Vegas (Wes and I were playing on his account, and I really wanted to get my own copy and start the game over with a new character)
  • Hotline Miami (great soundtrack, and I enjoy top-down shooters)
  • Tropico 4 (really enjoyed Tropico 3)
  • Ibb & Obb (got a copy for Wes, too)
  • Dust: An Elysian Tail (the story seems cool)
  • Resident Evil 5 (something to play with Wes)
  • Learn Japanese to Survive! Hiragana Battle (original found this for Wes and thought it would be fun to learn Japanese together)
  • If My Heart Had Wings (I adored Clannad, so I’m sure I’ll enjoy this)
  • Farming Simulator 15 (After playing Stardew Valley and taking over farming in 7 Days to Die, I’m addicted to farming in games)

I recently got into Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and Dark Souls. Both are games I never thought I would enjoy. Dark Souls especially. Dark Souls is hard as fuck, and I find myself getting really frustrated during boss fights. The game is unforgiving. Made a fatal mistake? Start over again. And again. And again. And again. There were times I wanted to throw my controller at the screen and never play the game again. Then I’d return, persevere and finally beat the boss. I love the idea of a tattoo that says “You died, you recovered, you defeated.”

I am still very much into Overwatch but taking a small break from competitive since I’ve played so much this season. Gaming has helped me in ways I didn’t think possible. With Overwatch, I’ve kind of found my voice as a leader. I try to be the shot caller for the team, and it usually works really well. I’m really enjoying taking the leadership role in games. I even created a Discord server for people I like playing with, so we’ll usually group up in teams. It’s a little adorable that many of my gaming friends are kids in high school. They’re complaining about summer chores, and it makes me feel incredibly old! But they also come to me for advice or to just vent, so it also feels like I’m a big sister to them or something.

Tomorrow, Wes and I are getting gym memberships. I miss going to the gym. Never thought I would say that.

I love cooking more than ever. Every week, I have our meals planned out but always ask Wes if he wants me to make anything special for him. This week, it’s nachos. Sometimes, I’ll make him beef stew or chicken parmesan. It’s adorable that he has favorite meals I make for him. A few weekends ago I made two amazing batches of lasagna. I think I might make a little recipe book of his favorite meals I make for him. And I’ll leave the end pages blank for additional recipes and then update/reprint the book when the pages are filled up. I could take photos of them too and make it a legit cookbook. I could call it “Honeymoon Cooking: Recipe for Lovebirds” or something. I’m totally not planning this out or anything…

Speaking of Wes, I never thought it was possible to find someone more perfect. Whenever I feel uncertain of myself, I’m reminded that I have someone always rooting for me and willing to help me when I’m in need. I’ve never felt so open with someone, and I remind myself everyday how lucky I was to find him on a random night in December of 2009. Though we were thousands of miles away, I have never felt such immediate closeness to someone. Of course at the time I was plagued with insecurity. I’m surprised he saw through that and was able to like, and eventually love, the person beneath it all. He realized who I was before I did.

I’m seeing my therapist again next month after almost a year. I learned so much from our sessions, and I’m glad I took the break. It was overwhelming discovering so much about myself and trying to make so many changes at once. I felt like I was cleaning out the hoarded house in my mind and unsure what I had to let go of and keep. I feel nowhere near any sort of order, but I find myself okay with that. Life doesn’t have to be in order all the time, and I have an appreciation for the chaos. My goal is no longer to achieve happiness but to realize despite my past or what happens in the future, I have the choice to overcome.

Knowing this has changed my life tremendously.

I think I’m ready to talk to my parents and possibly see them again. It’s part of the reason I’m seeing my therapist. I want to make sure this is the right decision for me. I’m ready to forgive and potentially have a relationship with them if they’d like one. I’d also like to see my sister graduate high school. Wes also wants to take me to Georgia and meet his family. We have such interesting family histories. I think we made the right decision to wait.

A lot of shit to unload after almost a year of not updating.

Overall, I feel like I am at a good spot in my life. I feel sturdy, like I could weather a storm if one just so happened to roll my way. It’s a weird attribute to apply to myself, but it’s the one that makes the most sense to me.

In lighter (er, higher?) news, Wes and I started growing cannabis and just harvested our first grow. It was a little disappointing. We defoliated the plants too late into flower, which stunted the growth a bit. I also misdiagnosed the plants. I thought they had nitrogen deficiency when they actually had nutrient burn. That was a fatal mistake. Overall, I think we still are getting a couple ounces from both the plants. For our next grow we’re doing an autoflower and potentially getting an HPS light to complement our 300w LED light. I used the grow tent for my succulents during the winter and spring, and they loved it. My jade plant doubled in size in just two months.

I don’t know what it is, but making friends is very easy lately. I’ve been having lunch with a couple co-workers, and we’re planning on doing stuff outside of work. And today I took a Lyft home, and I had such a nice conversation with the driver that I asked if she wanted to exchange numbers. We’re planning for drinks next week. I don’t know, I guess I feel more open as a person. More vulnerable but okay with it, because I’m not really afraid of who I am. Before I felt like I always had something to hide. I think it was obvious I didn’t really like myself, and it’s hard to be around someone who treats themselves like that. I mean, I barely wanted to be in my own skin. I don’t blame others for finding that uninviting.

I’m on a mission to listen to every song I loved in the 90s. I just received my copy of The Cranberries’ Everyone Else is Doing it, so Why Can’t We? and I’m reminded how much “Dreams” changed my life. I listened to the Smashing Pumpkins on my bus ride to work today, and I never realized how perfect 90s rock is while crossing the Hawthorne Bridge. I’m sad I didn’t realize this sooner.

Work is going okay. Behind on a couple things. I agreed to be the chair for the Safety Committee, and it’s going surprisingly well. I’m creating procedures, and I feel like I’m engaging the current members. There’s a lot to do between now and the next meeting. Everything else seems to be going well. I’m pretty happy in my position for the most part, though I know there are a few areas I could improve on, namely time management and asking for help when I really need it.

I will try to write more often. I forgot how soothing this is.