Dear 2015,

You are proof that I am getting stronger everyday. I hope I wasn’t too hard on you.

Warm regards,

Jo

P.S. Thanks for being the year I married my best friend.

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  • I purchased speakers for my record player and WOW, what a difference.
  • Marriage is kinda cool.
  • This week isn’t going by fast enough.
  • It might snow tomorrow.
  • I think I’m getting sick.
  • I don’t think I like being on a safety committee.
  • For once, I feel like my life doesn’t revolve around being fat.

Update: I am now sick and on my period. Boo.

I’m getting married on Friday. I’m surprisingly calm this week considering all last week I cried at simple things like songs for our wedding mix (“Never Say Goodbye” by My Bloody Valentine hit me pretty hard). The dress I purchased was beautiful but didn’t work well for my body type, so I returned it and decided to stick with a vintage dress I purchased the very first day I moved to Portland. I’m not sure about hair or make up. I curled my hair the other day, and I liked it, but I might keep it simple since it will likely be rainy on Friday. I almost wish there was more to say about it, but we’re simple people, and it will be a simple day filled with photos, food and people I love.

 

 

 

 

  • Wes and I are thinking about getting married. No ceremony, just the two of us. I feel very excited about it. I love him very much (and I want him to have good health insurance, so that’s a plus).
  • I stopped the city search since it made me a little too anxious. I don’t want it to be in haste, and I certainly don’t want to live in the mindset that there will be a place that’s perfect for us. There’s always a sacrifice, and it might be that we have to own a car or we have to live in a place that snows.
  • Everyday at 11 a.m., Outlook is down at work, and it’s always when I have to send an e-mail that is time sensitive.
  • I have listened to so much music lately. I’m falling in love with old favorites and discovering new stuff I enjoy.
  • I am learning to not be so judgmental of myself and others. Sometimes, I have to be more persistent, but I think being in the moment with it and shutting it down really helps.
  • I really want a piano and drum set. I have song ideas in my head, and so much of the poetry I write can be easily translated to songs.
  • Thanksgiving dinner was delicious. As a kid, I loved combining stuffing, mashed potatoes and mac a cheese and just eating it from a bowl. I want to say that’s white trash, but it’s just what I like to do. If it is, so be it.
  • I want to make a pot roast this weekend.
  • I hate that I have such time consuming interests. I want to read more, but I also want to write. I want to listen to more music, but I have a list of shows I want to finish. I want to play video games, but goddamn, I don’t have the time for all of it. I haven’t even made time for photography.
  • Sometimes things that I’ve said or done or things that have been said or done to me in the past really pain me. I am learning to accept it and move on.
  • I bought a lot of records this last month. It’s time to stop, Jo.
  • Wes and I opened up Roth IRAs. I feel like we should have done this sooner, but I can’t really dwell on that. Now that we’re approaching our thirties, I can’t help but think about the future and how sometimes it can feel so uncertain, especially when there isn’t enough money. I’ve made a lot of stupid decisions in the past that only seem stupid now because I am able to save and have experienced it enough times to know that I wasn’t stupid, just desperate.
  • I listened to Angel Olsen today, and she has such a beautiful voice. I might stop by the record store to get one of her albums.
  • I spent $150 on music by Mount Eerie and The Microphones. I guess that’s considered my Christmas present to me. Merry Christmas, Jo. I like listening to Wind’s Poem when it’s raining hard.
  • I still need to make a photo book for 2015. I feel like I didn’t take many photos this year. I also noticed Wes and I don’t have many photos together, so I try to take photos more often. I guess my main fear is forgetting a simple night between us with video games and diet root beer.
  • I went through a long depression, but I think I’m on the other side. I hope I am.
  • I’m waiting for the day I stop thinking of life in terms of weeks and months and years and just take it all in and know it’s not permanent, and I have to appreciate it all even though it doesn’t feel like there’s much to appreciate.
  • I read through old Facebook/Twitter/Wordpress posts, and I feel so much secondhand embarrassment. I tried so hard to be liked, but I just alienated myself more. I find myself wondering who I am now, because I’ve spent too long trying to be someone else.