My vacation was beyond relaxing. At this point, I feel guilty for how self-indulgent it was. I cried a lot while I was in Sacramento. When I moved to Portland, I went through a very long depression. Knowing no one, starting a new job, finding a new home, moving with only a few belongings that could fit in a small car. I didn’t feel the impact until my new place was filled with used furniture people kindly delivered to me from Craigslist. I hadn’t realized how much life has changed until I went back to the place I spent the first almost twenty-five years of my life. Dillon was more than understanding, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought, “Goddamn, this trick is crying again?”

We ate at all of our old favorite spots. Unfortunately, the restaurant that serves my favorite banh mi no longer puts pate in their sandwiches. Their pho is still incredible. We went to San Francisco and had the best fried chicken wings I’ve ever had. I loved Chinatown. I hadn’t been there since a child and wanted to meander through the shops. I purchased way too much, but I found a beautiful silk robe, one I always imagined having as a kid.

Returning to Portland after a week with Dillon was very difficult. I was definitely ready to be home, but there was something very magical about that week. As an early Christmas present (way early), Wes bought me a bike. I was terrified riding at first, but I’m so happy to get back into it again. For some reason, I thought I would be starting over again. Just riding in circles around the park was so liberating. We at a lot of pizza and ice cream, and it was beautiful being so lazy. We didn’t have a purpose other than to enjoy ourselves. We played Halo 2 & 3, and I am now addicted to Cities: Skylines.

I have a lot of films to develop soon, though I don’t know when I’ll be able to afford it!

On Tuesday night, we went to see Atlas Sound/Deerhunter play. We didn’t stay through the end, but I was so happy to find Logos on vinyl. We listened to it a bit last night. I haven’t listened to the album fully in a few years, and it felt new and magical again. During our walk home, everything just felt… perfect. I am so incredibly thankful for every little thing, even the shit that annoys me. It’s there to remind me that life is good, even when it sucks ass.

Polaroid Week was also last week. I had so much to share from vacation, so it was difficult choosing only ten photos for the week. At some point, I’ll post them all on here. I don’t think I’ve even scanned half of what I have. I took a couple great photos at the concert. I’m so impressed with how much The Impossible Project has improved with their film. It’s insane.

I’m having one of those days where I think about my past actions and want to go back in time to change it. Because I know I can’t, I’m stuck cringing at certain moments in my life, tiny embarrassments that I’m sure only I remember. It doesn’t change the level of almost regret I feel, meaning I don’t regret the past entirely, just in moments like this. I think out of everyone, I roll my eyes at me the most. But I guess without all of those bad moments, I wouldn’t really be here. I’d probably be making the same mistakes, doomed to relive those awful moments but instead of in my head, in real time. I think I’ll stick with being insecure about my past.

Today feels like Christmas Eve. After tomorrow, I am off for two weeks. I’m excited to see Dillon and be in California and relax and eat all the food I miss. I want pho and banh mi and a huge burger with garlic parmesan fries from Dad’s. And then I’m excited to come back home and relax and hang out with my pets and play video games and cycle everywhere in the city.

I made a photo book for my boyfriend’s mom for Christmas and my boss for bosses day. It’s of Portland all on film. It turned out beautifully, and I decided to give my boss her gift early since I’ll be gone on 10/16 anyway. She loved it, and it was humbling watching her leaf through the pages in awe. What is it about seeing the world through someone’s lens? I love looking at photographs people take, especially of places I’ve already been. So when someone sees my perspective, it’s like sharing a part of me I can’t really name.

I’m seeing Atlas Sound and Deerhunter on 10/20 with Wes. I love that Bradford Cox is opening for his own band.

I’m taking a break from weight loss for a while. I’ve maintained for the last year, and I’m honestly really proud of myself. This is the first time in my life I’m not losing or gaining weight. Just stable, and stable I will take. Of course, I will continue what I usually do. I’m still logging all of my food and being active (though September has not been a good month for walking). I’m not too worried about vacation. I have plans of bike riding, hiking and lots of dog walking. Food has been a bit of an issue lately. I’ve been eating out a lot more lately, though I’m more worried about my wallet than my waist at this point. The pre-vacation stress will soon be over, though it isn’t a very good excuse to eat more than I usually do. I’ve definitely had binge moments, but they were manageable. It’s easier now. I can’t believe I’m saying that. I will resume weight loss when I return from Sacramento. I don’t want to be intense with it. I just want to bump up my activity and be a bit more accurate with logging my meals. I don’t think I need an overhaul, just some tweaks. Also, congrats to me for maintaining for this long! My disappointment was trumped by “wait a second… maintenance IS progress.”

In the afternoon, the sun beats down on my back. I think that’s the one thing I’m really going to miss about summer.

I forgot my camera this morning during my walk with Mar. My only regrets are when I forget my camera. Hopefully tomorrow morning will be just as beautiful. Days like today make me fear death. This can’t possibly end.