I turned 27 today and though work was a little stressful, I came home early. It was really hot, so we had to cut our walk short. We went to Guerro’s for tortas and sat in the backyard eating. I am now in bed not ready to go to sleep.
On the bus home, I sat next to a couple. I thought the woman was talking to herself at first, but she was looking at the guy to her left and telling him he wasn’t worth anything but “what was down there.” She talked about how he’s abused her in the past, and how can he talk to other women? I spent more time watching people as they awkwardly looked over their shoulder to see the one sided conversation. The guy didn’t say anything. At one point, she turned to me and asked if I smoked. I was honestly waiting for her to ask me what she thought of her situation.
The older I get, the more I accept people around me, even those I don’t agree with. Every person comes with new thoughts and experiences, and I can’t judge them anymore than they can judge me. I used to feel so caught up in what other people thought of me, but I realize people are too caught up in their own insecurities. Even when someone judges me, I realize part of their judgment could be a projection of their own internalized fears. I find human fragility beautiful. Even the woman sitting next to me. And though I hope they either go to couple’s counseling or just break up already, I can’t help but think in another world they would be just another couple having a nice day and riding the bus home.
How did I forget to mention this? Yesterday, I canceled my gym membership. I truly loved working out there, but I love the weather here and would prefer to get my exercises done outside. Also, we have a ton of workout videos I downloaded online, so there’s always something fun to do. As I’m cancelling my membership, two gentleman are helping me. One asks what I’m doing now for workouts, and I tell him I usually walk outside. There was a long pause between my answer and his next question and when I looked up, I saw them both smirking at me like, “Uh huh, I’m totally sure you do that.” Then again, that might be my insecurity being in a gym in general. I’m thinking they assumed I had given up and am never going to workout again. I had to run another errand and decided to take a long walk before going back to work. As I’m walking, I noticed one of the guys from the gym, and I think I saw a look of admiration from him. Obviously, I wanted to say something like, “SEE, I WORKOUT, ASSHOLE.” But my awkwardness will claim the silent victory.
Do you ever see certain flaws in yourself that never came into focus until a specific event/time period in your life? I guess I mention this because I never considered myself to be an awkward person, but I realize now that I am. I finally see how certain mannerisms would scare away potential friends and how my bluntness can be perceived as rudeness. And I try so hard to reshape the way I say/act, but I’m finding it too exhausting. I do feel there are certain things I’d like to change. I’d like to be more open with others but also kinder. I’d like to be someone who is dependable and easy to relate to. But there are other parts of me that I feel cannot change under any circumstances. Where do I draw the line? How can I still be who I am while also improving and changing for the best? I fear losing who I am in order to accomodate others. But I also fear missed connections due to my inability to open up. It’s hard finding out who I am. I’m not sure I’ll ever know. It feels good to try though.
This year, I want to be fearless. I feel ready for the changes ahead. My only goal is to wake up everyday thankful and with purpose. To never spend one day questioning who I am and what I’m working to accomplish. If I am feeling stuck, I want to refocus. If I have failed, I want to learn from it and go. The time between failure and next attempt is getting shorter.
Ready. Set. Grow.
Note: I really wanted a photo of me enjoying the delicious torta I had for dinner, but I think the film knew it wouldn’t be very attractive.