I’m making strawberry buttermilk pancakes with honey butter Sunday morning for no other reason than I wanna. I want to make a mini buffet for us with eggs, toast, pancakes, bacon and fruit on the side. We can sit at the table and eat half naked while watching Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I am reorganizing the living room and bedroom. Wes purchased a TV for the living room, and I am so excited! We usually watch stuff from my desk, and that doesn’t work when we want to cuddle or lay down. As an early birthday gift, I am getting Wes a bike. I miss cycling, and it’ll be fun riding with him.

Lots of writing lately. I’m enjoying the process. I love it when I stumble upon new ideas and thoughts. It’s like unraveling parts of my brain. It ain’t pretty, but it’s real. Shit. That should be my new blog name.

This week was great. I’m ready for a productive weekend.

Also, the addition of caffeine turned a very exhausting morning to an extremely productive day. Thanks, free Starbucks!

  • My vacation is approved for October! I am off for two weeks (10/5-10/16). I am spending the first week with Dillon in Sacramento and then the next week will be a stay-cation with Wes. I might ask a co-worker if her beach house is available in Lincoln City.
  • I’m taking the knowledge test next week for my driver’s license. I might as well keep it up to date if I ever need to drive again in the future.
  • I am obsessed with smoothies. Why have I not added lemon before?
  • I am enjoying intermittent fasting again. I think stepping away for a while helped. I’m just not good with snacking. Snacking turns into meals for me. It’s just a boundary I can’t cross yet. I also like big meals, so I’d rather just eat two big ass meals with one snack.
  • Once in a while, my co-worker will join me during my lunch walk. It’s a little more than 1.5 miles, and the first half is mostly uphill. I remember hating it in the beginning but over the months it’s just a really nice walk. Yesterday and today she said, “You’re kicking my ass!” I thought it was humorous because I think I was in that place a year ago. I couldn’t walk to work without being in pain, and here I am kicking all kinds of ass.
  • I have never had sauerkraut before, and I think I might make some this weekend. It depends on how much cabbage I have left.

Meal prep for next week:

  • jalapeno & banana pepper coleslaw
  • buttermilk fried chicken
  • cheddar biscuits
  • loaf of bread
  • turkey & black bean chili
  • smoothies with mixed berries, flax seeds, bananas and lemon
  • chicken salad w/ pesto

I know I talk about this goddamn chicken sandwich all the time, but I really love going to this food cart once or twice a month to eat a fried chicken sandwich with spicy coleslaw and sriracha mayo. The last few times I’ve had it it’s been super bland. It’s a bit tedious making the fried chicken, but it’s worth it at the end. If I time it right, I can also have the bread just out of the oven too. Drool.

Quote of the week:

“Can you spare any change?”

“Change starts from within, you know.”

Meal prep for next week:

  • stir fry (I have a ridiculous amount of cabbage and carrots)
  • rice porridge
  • pickled cabbage salad
  • pickled jalapenos and red onions (they make chili and nachos ten times better — also, I’m obsessed with pickling)
  • turkey and black bean chili
  • spinach, zucchini and artichoke soup
  • chicken adobo
  • banana and peanut butter ice cream

I might make some fried chicken. I have a lot of panko, and it would be so delicious with the cabbage salad. I am finally learning Filipino food! I miss all the food my grandmother made when I was a kid, and I hope Wes enjoys it as much as I do.

This week went very well. It was exhausting, but I’m here. I’m spending my lunch time writing poetry and hoping the rest of the day goes by quickly. I can’t wait to play Killing Floor 2, watch Orange is the New Black and take Mar on long walks.

I’m planning a two week vacation in October. I’m going to Sacramento the first week and then doing a proper stay-cation with Wes the second week. I’ll likely be with Dillon most of the time when I visit Sacramento. I definitely want to go to San Francisco and just spend time with him. I miss the times where we’d stay up until 5:00 a.m. talking about music and life. Those were good times.

I’ve been thinking about why the last few months were so difficult for me. I know I talk about this all the time but being fat is as comforting as it is uncomfortable. I felt invisible at 350 pounds, and I liked that. I hated it too, but I liked it more. When I reached my lowest weight in 2012, I felt something in me change, and I didn’t like it. People were noticing and talking to me more. I didn’t know how to respond to it. I felt exposed. And though I didn’t realize it at the time, I used food as a way to cover myself up again. It’s sad admitting that now, but now that I understand it, I feel like I can move on and uncover me.

You’re Fat!

My walk to work this morning was the usual until a man asked me a question, and I couldn’t understand what he was saying. I was already running late, so I apologized and continued walking. As I walked away, I heard, “You’re fat and…”

If the first thing you’re going to mention when you’re upset is my weight, you’re not worth my time. Get creative, folks. Things that would actually hurt my feelings:

  1. You are still mad at your parents for your childhood, and you’ll probably never let it go.
  2. You will never have a normal relationship with food.
  3. You are a horrible conversationalist, and you’re extremely awkward.
  4. Your cooking sucks.
  5. You walk like a constipated penguin
  6. You dress like a high four-year old

Meal Prep






Meal prep

  • chicken fried rice (I am now obsessed with sesame oil)
  • wonton soup (the wrappers are laborious but worth it)
  • ground turkey and shrimp potstickers (didn’t have ground pork, so I just went with the ground turkey)
  • pickled jalapenos and red onions
  • ground turkey and black bean chili
  • stir fry (I have a lot of chicken, cabbage and carrots)
  • black bean brownies
  • banana and peanut butter ice cream
  • graham cracker pound cake (that’s right)
  • caramel? Maybe.

Everything this week is delicious.

Meal Prep

  • chicken & shrimp dumplings
  • chicken & shrimp fried rice (I had a lot of the mixture left)
  • ground turkey & black bean chili
  • guacamole (we have ten avocados, and I am sure I will still eat the whole damn thing)
  • spinach walnut pesto
  • salted caramel brownies
  • banana & peanut butter ice cream

Dumplings turned out well, and they were surprisingly easy to make. The fried rice is delicious. I still have a chicken/shrimp mixture that I’ll use in dumplings throughout the week. The ice cream is delicious and will accompany the brownies. Wes will be very happy when he comes home.

Yummy week.