Turkey burgers with feta and tzatziki (I made some delicious tzatziki and found an easy recipe for the buns)
chicken enchiladas (shredded chicken, black beans, enchilada sauce, guacamole)
cilantro lime rice
spinach & artichoke quiche
salad with shredded arugula, romaine, carrots, tomatoes and red onions
potato salad with a lot of dill
I am a bit stressed at work. In the past week, my workload has doubled and though I’m excited for the change, I always hate the beginning. I don’t hate learning new things, but I do hate how nervous I get when applying those new things. I then make a ton of mistakes. I’m getting better.
After yesterday’s entry, I felt relieved. For a long time I worried about what would happen if I binged again. In the past, one binge equaled many binges. It’s the “hey I’m already down so I might as well get dirty” mentality. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life in that kind of cycle? felt so weak admitting my problems in the beginning, but now I just feel… good. I’m learning and growing. I’m refusing to give up on myself. I deserve my kindness and love.
My walk this morning was great. Tomorrow morning, I’m waking up early and walking a few miles with Mar. I want to get in the habit of walking each morning. Today I realized how much I love walking to work. It was a chore in the beginning, but now it’s turned into a necessity. I’m not heavily breathing as I cross the bridge but casually strolling until I reach my destination. It’s crazy what a year can do. I do want to get back to walking home too. My foot is slowly feeling better, and I should be back at in within a month or two.
I feel stuck. Last night, I fought myself for hours. I wanted to binge but didn’t. I wish I could say I haven’t given in, but I did on Monday, and I have broken my longest streak of binge free days. I was so proud about approaching a year. I didn’t know I binged until I was done. I ate so fast I didn’t feel the discomfort until I stood up to put my plate away. It was as comforting as it was painful. I hate how much I love it.
I have days where I feel amazing. I am active and eating well. And then I have days where I’m certain I haven’t spent the last year improving myself. I feel weak and tired and… stuck. Despite this feeling, I’m pushing forward. Meal planning, walking everyday and attempting to be positive. And sometimes it’s not about being positive. It’s just about being honest with myself. I’ve noticed my portions are getting bigger, my walks are getting slower and I feel like I’m slowly slipping back to old habits.
I told myself that if this happened, I would take it one day at a time. Don’t look at how far I have to go but how far I’ve come. I can’t change the past. I can only learn from it. That shit is so much easier said than done, especially when I feel so negative and overwhelmed. I find myself wondering what makes this so difficult now. Are my expectations higher? Am I doing too much at once?
I’m not starting over again. I don’t want to wake up a year from now back at 300+ pounds wondering where the time went and why I wasted it. I don’t want to spend another day regretting anything. I don’t want to use food as a way to process my emotions. I want to continue being active, cooking everyday and working hard to improve myself. I’m not far off. It’s just hard finding that balance at times.
Even if I didn’t make it to a full year without binging, I know that I can do this long term. One binge in almost eleven months is incredible. Hitting a rough spot doesn’t erase my progress. It solidifies it. I can make it through this, and I will.
Next month I’m heading to Sunriver for a few days to help with a conference. I’m in charge of a photo booth for the attendees and before the celebration dinner, I need to organize the photos into slides. I’m a little nervous but very appreciative that my job is giving me fun projects like this. It was also a really good excuse to order a portrait lighting kit and other supplies I haven’t purchased yet. I received most of my items today, though I was most excited about a black backdrop. Since I do a lot of multiple exposure shots, I wanted to experiment with a black background. Until then, I’m very happy with my lighting kit. In 2012, I had an obsession with my Polaroid Spectra and took dozens of shots for my 24th birthday. I haven’t revisited that until today. I just love the idea of seeing what it’s like to interact with myself.
I’m really happy with the lighting kit and laughing at my inability to smile. I was quite frustrated with my camera. The timer wasn’t working correctly so when it finally worked, I looked less than pleased. And I hate smiling. I took these photos at night, and the living room light is off. Once I receive the backdrops, I’m going to experiment with peel apart and 120 film. Excitement. I keep on telling myself to take more photos, and it never happens. I feel creative again. I’m working on poetry, two short stories and experiment with new recipes each week.
I’m not sure what I’m going to cook for next week. It’s getting warmer, and soup is not the business. Knowing me, I’ll probably make soup anyway.
A month ago, I took an Intercultural Development Inventory (IDI) assessment that measures my cultural competence (though I think they like to call it cultural agility now). My results were very high. I was placed at the end of acceptance but my perceived competence is in adaptation. When I did my personal assessment with our trainer, she noticed that I have “cultural disengagement.” The definition: a sense of disconnection or detachment from a primary cultural group.This makes sense since my mom is from the Philippines, and my dad is… a white dude. Their methods of parenting were very different, and my mother was ashamed of me, so she never brought me with her when she would travel to the Philippines. When the trainer listed what someone might feel with cultural disengagement, I cried. It wasn’t until she said it out loud that I understood what I felt my whole life. I wish I had a copy of the sheet of paper she read from. The personal assessment came with suggestions on how I can improve my competency, and I think I’m going to try it out.
Tomorrow is 300 days of logging on MyFitnessPal and ten months since my last binge. I like that I’m at a stage where this feels normal. I will always have bad days and setbacks, but I realize they’re a part of life. I’m not afraid to make mistakes. It kind of goes with the whole “being comfortable with the uncomfortable” thing I have going on. I like it.