I finally read She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb, and I haven’t been able to stick with another book, because I’m still overwhelmed. It was recommended to me by a friend almost ten years ago. I purchased it at a used book store in 2009 but donated it just before moving to a new state in 2013. I then purchased it again in January when I thought about it randomly. I read a couple of chapters, but I stopped and opted for something else. Last week, I decided to give it another try to finished within two days. The book is devastating. I’m pretty sure I spent the second half of the book crying. I’m overwhelmed piecing together parts of the story and trying to make sense of some things. Books, man.
Yesterday, I was almost hit by a car. Well, more like grazed. When I walk, I don’t listen to music, because I don’t like to be distracted and when I cross the street and see a car approaching, I stop and make sure they see me and slow down. The dude was going slow enough, and I made eye contact with him and continued to walk. But he kept on driving, and my body touched his bumper, and I pounded my fist against his hood and yelled, “How about not hitting me today!” He was going slow enough, but I am still amazed at how much people don’t pay attention to what they’re doing when they’re in a machine that could kill someone so easily. It’s part of the reason I don’t drive anymore. Though I do plan on getting my license for emergencies. Thankfully, I still have my old license, so I only need to take the knowledge test.
I’ve eaten out too much. It started off slow, and I felt good about it, but now I’m noticing a pattern, and I’m stopping it before it approaches “binge territory.” I’m bringing extra food to work and trying only to eat out once or twice a month.
A couple of weekends ago, I felt really depressed, so I woke up on Saturday morning and just started cooking. I learned how to make a pie crust and made quiche and a three berry pie. I made fresh pasta noodles with bolognese sauce, French onion soup, dinner rolls, buttermilk biscuits and sausage gravy. I also had some fun making fresh whipped cream and butter. It was oddly relaxing. It was also difficult not eating everything. I somehow survived, though I did overeat a bit. Also, I am never buying pasta again, unless it’s macaroni.
I decided to consolidate my debt and applied for a loan. I was immediately approved and now I feel a lot better because the interest rate is a bit lower, and my monthly payment went way down. I’m going to focus on building up my savings again and pay off the loan at least a year early. That’s the plan.
I miss my bike. I had a bigass Yuba Mundo. It was blue and beautiful, and it was an instant conversation starter. If I ever bought one again, I’ll force Wes to sit in the back and go shopping. I don’t think I gave myself enough time to get comfortable with cycling. I commuted a lot, but I never just road leisurely. I was self-conscious and slow and worried so much about falling. I think I know now there isn’t anything wrong with falling.
My foot is still in a lot of pain, so I am forcing myself to go to the doctor. I’m able to walk to work in the morning, but I cannot walk home unless I take the bus part of the way. Yesterday, I was able to walk the last mile home, and it wasn’t too bad. I walked because the bus was full, and it was suffocating. The only time I feel claustrophobic is in a bus.
Speaking of foot pain, I am officially stopping marathon training. At this point, I am 5 1/2 months away from the marathon, and I’m not able to keep up with the training schedule. I read something the other day about goals and when we set unrealistic goals, we tend to procrastinate. But when we set a realistic goal, it’s easier to meet. Well, duh, right? Walking a marathon is something I can do after my foot heals, and I’ve done a half marathon. I think I wanted to do something amazing, to prove I could do something that I didn’t think I could. And though I’m sad I won’t be able to participate this year, I’m realizing I don’t have to sign up for a marathon to amaze myself. I will sign up again for 2016 and once I know what’s up with my foot, I’ll begin training again.
Though I count my calories and focus on being active everyday, I’m not really making an effort to lose weight. It’s exhausting, and I think I needed a break from it. I still walk at least 10,000 steps a day and try to keep my calories within my range. Yesterday, I hit 275 days on MyFitnessPal, my longest streak. I don’t think I’ve missed a day of logging meals, though sometimes I get lazy and just do quick add. I could complain that I haven’t lost any weight in months, but I haven’t weighed myself and really, I just don’t want to be around the scale. I’m tired of putting so much emphasis on what I should look like and how things fit and what number I should see on the scale. I go back and forth. Sometimes, I just want to be 100 pounds lighter instantly. Other times, I’m just enjoying the ride. I’m proud of my progress and happy that I’m continuing to be active and eat reasonably. This feels more permanent than anything I’ve done in the past. I’m able to make a mistake and instead of spending an inordinate amount of time regretting that mistake, I learn from it and move on.
I’m beginning to realize that life is too short to care about shit that doesn’t matter. Knowing it is one thing but actually applying it is something else. It’s difficult at first, like breaking free from any bad habit. But once I started paying attention to what makes me happy instead of all the shit that brings me down, it became easier to ignore negativity, whether it was from me or others. I don’t even know if I’m making sense at this point. Sometimes I wonder if I’m at a good place in my life, but I don’t think being in a good place has a specific checklist. Am I happy with where I am? Sure. Am I happy with where I’m heading? Yeah. So I guess I’m in a good place.