Sometimes I wonder what I’m so afraid of. The more I think of it, the more I realize my fear is all inside, but I project that fear on others. I’m afraid of what I might become and more afraid of being incapable of change.
I’m learning to be comfortable with how uncomfortable these changes make me feel.
When I started losing weight, I immediately started my period. After years of randomly getting it, I thought “huh, kinda cool.” Three months in, I was getting it at least once every two or three months. Now, I’m getting it regularly. I usually need birth control to regulate it. This excites me.
Last night, I almost ordered delivery. Almost. I knew what I wanted, but I looked at the cost and knew it wasn’t worth it. Sometimes, I don’t know how I’m doing. Yesterday, I felt like I was slipping. Today, I feel like I can conquer anything. All I know right now is that I have to be consistent despite my often changing feelings. I feel like I’m battling myself at times. I think I have a weird view of what success means because if what I’m doing isn’t success, I don’t know what is. On the 9th, I am nine months binge free. Nine months. I had to get through some very difficult moments to make it to this point.
This weekend, I’m making shrimp po’ boys. I also have a ton of frozen bananas, so I’m going to make a chocolate banana ice cream. It’s getting warmer, and I need something to cool me down after long walks.
On Monday I decided to walk home, and my legs were not very appreciative. I cried while I attempted to massage them. It was extremely painful. On Mondays and Tuesdays, my leg pain is at its worst. Then on Wednesday/Thursday/Friday, my legs are fine. In the afternoon, they’re in a bit of pain, but they’re fine. I think I need new shoes. I didn’t have this problem before, though I have had issues in the past with leg pain. After I receive a recommendation and it doesn’t improve, I’ll just have to make an appointment with my doctor and hope for the best.
I suck at scanning photos. I found quite a few Polaroids I took over the past few months. I only have one pack of Artistic TZ film left, so I’m keeping it in the fridge for something super special. Even seven years expired I’m amazed by it.
- Can’t Do Without You – Caribou
- Come and Get Your Love – Redbone
- Lost Desire – JR
- Ceremony – New Order
- All In – Flying Lotus
- Dance Yrself Clean – LCD Soundsystem
- Leave House – Caribou
- Don’t Wanna Lose – Ex Hex
Though walking is my favorite form of exercise, dancing like an idiot is a close second.
For the past few weeks I haven’t been able to walk as much as I usually do. I pulled a muscle in my right leg, and I had issues with walking on my left foot. This is the first week I’ve been able to walk with little to no pain, and it feels so good. I probably shouldn’t have forced myself to walk every morning. I didn’t want to stop a routine I’ve worked really hard to maintain. I know that once I give myself some slack, old habits come back, and I find myself wondering how to even get back to where I want to be.
When I ate out for the first time in three months, I was worried this would create an avalanche. This happened the last time I did a home cooking challenge. I lasted two months and the day after two months, I had sushi. Then pizza. Then burgers and fries. I’m sure I made up for all the times I didn’t eat out. I binged almost daily for months, and I realized I created a pattern for myself: restrict, slack, avalanche. I viewed health as all or nothing, and that’s what I did for years. I was either eating quinoa and protein shakes or binging on a large pizza and jalapeño poppers.
Breaking myself out of that cycle was the most difficult part of the process. A close second was understanding that being healthy doesn’t mean I have to do it all right this moment. Those two thoughts fed each other. If I do everything perfectly right now, then I’m going to be skinny faster and be super active and awesome. It just doesn’t work that way, especially when I already have deep issues with food.
So what makes this so different? What am I doing differently now that makes this feel sustainable and not as difficult as it used to be? I wish there was a straight answer to that. Something simple, so I can reach for it when I feel like giving up. All I know is that I have the support of a really great guy. I feel the most secure I ever have in my life despite so much uncertainty around me. I understand that perfection isn’t the goal. It’s improvement. Am I better today than I was a year ago? If I can ask myself that question and honestly answer yes, then I’m doing the best I can do.
Today, I’m making jalapeño popper pizza with banana cream pie for dessert. I’m letting the pizza dough rest now.
This week I am not meal prepping. I’m going to stick with what I usually make: stir fry, turkey burgers with feta and pesto, spinach salads with plenty of fresh veggies and banana ice cream. They’re all quick enough to make and if I find that I’m spending too much time in the kitchen throughout the week, I’ll begin meal prepping again. I’ve noticed lately I’m eating a bit more since all of my food is made in advance, so I’m going to rely on my laziness this week. Food has been an issue lately. Though I’m not binging, the thoughts have returned. Rationalizing eating too much. Making larger than normal portions. Feeling depressed when I think about food. Those thoughts never really leave. They’re just dormant until a series of events triggers it. And if I’m being honest with myself, it’s fear. For the past few weeks I’ve dealt with people yelling from their cars. It probably happens at least three times a week. I can’t understand most of what people scream. I can just see their faces as they drive by. After the “fat chick in black” incident, it made me acutely aware of my surroundings. Stress at work. Uncertainty with my finances. Insecurity in my relationship. And for the first time in a long time, I felt lonely. I usually never feel that. I prefer to be alone, and I just wanted to tell someone everything. I wanted to be understood by someone other than myself.
I know this is a part of life, and I just have to go with it. Struggle through it until it feels easy again. And it’s not that it’s easy, it’s that I’ve learned to adapt, to become stronger. So this is me attempting to be stronger.
Tomorrow I celebrate eight months of no binging. I never thought I would be able to say that. I’ve worked so hard. Though I did eat out last Thursday (or was it Wednesday?), it made me realize how far I’ve come. As I ate, I wanted to feel guilty, but I realized that food should never be a source of guilt. I was about three days away from reaching three months of home cooking. I’m sure I could reach it again. I view eating out as a treat now. In the past, it was almost daily. Everyday just eating as much as I could, ordering delivery enough for four people and eating as much as I could. And at the time I couldn’t understand why I did it. I just knew that’s what I did. Sometimes, I wish there was a way to completely transport myself to a moment like that so I could completely feel what I went through. But because I can’t, I am stuck with what I wrote, photographs I took, little memories of my past that leave clues of how much pain I was in.
Last week, I walked up to the seventh floor at work, and I realized it was the first time I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out from exhaustion. I’m learning to like the feeling of breathlessness, because it’s the feeling afterward that I crave. When I’m finished and my breathing calms, and I feel the sweat gather around my forehead and neck… I feel like I can accomplish anything. I don’t know. It feels right.
This morning, I did my usual two-mile walk to work. Once I made it to the lobby, the security guard mentioned that one of the elevators wasn’t working, and the remaining two were really slow. People were lining up, and I thought “fuck it. Take the stairs.” I immediately thought it would be a bad idea. I remember the last couple times I’ve walked up to the seventh floor. The first time, I walked with three other people, and I was so ashamed by my hard breathing that I told them I needed to go to the bathroom. I hid in there for five minutes furiously sweating and trying to control my breathing. The second attempt was last July. I stopped at each floor for a minute or two to catch my breath. Today, I ran up and made it to the fifth floor before I needed a couple of seconds to catch my breath. I took my time reaching the seventh floor and though I was still furiously sweating and trying to control my breath, I did it really quickly and only stopped once. And considering I already walked two miles, that’s not bad at all. I recovered really quickly too.
Work is very busy. I have another foot injury, which means I have to postpone training to next week, which is fine because I was going to be finished a week early anyway.
Last night, I watched Wes play Five Nights at Freddy’s. We probably shouldn’t have played it just before I had to go to sleep, but it was scary and hilarious at the same time. When we were done, we watched YouTube videos of people reacting to all the scary parts.
Speaking of hilariousness, I finished reading Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. It was hilarious. Next up is Girl in a Band by Kim Gordon. I’ve always admired Kim but as I grow older, I identify with her a lot more.
Lately, I feel like I’m in an emotional slump. I’m running entirely on autopilot now, but I’m kind of amazed at the things that are like second nature. I still walk to work everyday and if my foot isn’t screaming at me, I walk home. I log all of my meals, drink plenty of water and spend my time outside of work doing what makes me happy. For so long I relied heavily on numbers to make me feel good about myself, and I realized even though I wasn’t weighing often, I was placing so much emphasis on the scale, calories and measurements. The only thing I care to be now is happy and healthy, and I feel like everything I’m doing is in line with that goal. I know as I get older my goals will change and once it does, I’ll just have to change my path a little. That’s really all it is. I wish I hadn’t spent so many years over-complicating everything in my life. I think I was following what other people expected me to but typing that now I realize that’s just blaming other people for decisions I made for myself. And I can’t live my life that way anymore.
That’s oddly refreshing.