I spent a lot of time thinking and writing today. Out of all my thoughts, this was clear to me:

Don’t compare who you are today to the person you want to be 2-3 years from now.

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Last week, I decided to weigh myself after many weeks away from the scale, and I lost a whopping 1.6 pounds in a month and a half. I wasn’t doing anything different other than walking more. I felt defeated for roughly one minute. In that minute, I thought about binging, giving up just briefly to mask the feeling. But I know where that path leads, and it’s nowhere near where I want to be.

I thought of amazing things that have happened in the last eight months.

  • I think I can safely say this is the most active I’ve ever been. Friday night, I waited for the bus. I stood there for ten minutes and once it arrived, I started walking home. I wasted ten minutes, but I didn’t want to be stuck in a bus. The stress of work left me with each step.
  • I have consistently prepped my meals every Sunday and haven’t eaten out once in the last two months. It started off as a fun challenge, and now it’s something I prefer to do. Also, the amount of money I save each month is astounding.
  • I’m about to train for a motherfucking marathon, and I feel ready to begin on Monday. I am pushing myself everyday during my walks. I have little injuries, but I know when to really listen to myself and stop.
  • I haven’t binged in over seven months. I binged, because it was my way to bury feelings. I’m not afraid to confront those feelings anymore.
  • I’m positive as fuck. I have never viewed life so simply before. Does it make me happy? Do it. Does it make me unhappy? Don’t. I’m taking charge of what I can change and releasing ownership of what I can’t.
  • I’m being kind to myself, and that’s evident in my relationships with others. People react to me differently now that I am more confident and positive.
  • I accept that shit isn’t perfect. It never will be, so I’m not going to stress over it.
  • I stopped waiting to be happy. Happy isn’t a size or eating a certain way. There isn’t a specific method. I choose everyday to be happy. I choose it even when I feel I’m at my worst. If my happiness is based on specific conditions, then I’m bound to be unhappy for most of my life.

I think about all of the amazing changes that have happened in my life and very few of them involve my weight. Of course when I started this, weight loss was primarily on my mind. The number dominated what I felt about my progress and me. It was damaging, and I can see now why I failed in the past. But I can also see why it wasn’t really a failure if I learned from the experience.

I’m understanding everyday that this isn’t just about weight loss. I was really unhappy with my life and placing the blame on everyone else but me. It’s work, parents, co-workers, bad days, etc. But those days happen regardless of what I do to my body. All I can do is take ownership of my actions and make small positive changes. That’s all it takes, and I feel so much stronger new.

Meal Prep Sundays: Late Edition

 

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Yesterday, I went hiking with a friend, and I had so much fun. Took quite a few Polaroids, but I am way too lazy (still) to scan them. I have also added another roll of film I need to develop sometime soon. I kind of like having a stash of exposed film and getting them developed once every few months. It’s like getting a present.

Meal prep:

  • ground turkey and black bean chili (it’s very spicy)
  • shredded chicken
  • spinach walnut pesto
  • veggie stir fry
  • hard boiled eggs

Pretty much the same as last week. I’m enjoying the simplicity of the meals and how much I can change them if I’m in the mood for something different. We were well under our budget last week, so I’m going to make a special meal this week. I’ll have to find a recipe I’ve been waiting to try. I have so many in my bookmarks I don’t know where to start. Lately I’m loving these tortilla pizzas I make with pesto, chicken, bacon, feta, roasted garlic and red bell peppers.

Last week, I had a phone interview that went really well. There’s weird drama at work I don’t really care to invest time in talking about. Throughout the week, I had thoughts of binging. I would feel so much better if I had a whole pizza. And those familiar thoughts invaded my mind. I’ve earned it. I’ve been so good. Just one treat. It’s so much easier now changing those thoughts into positive ones.

Goals for this week:

  • apply for jobs
  • read one book
  • wake up insanely early one morning and take a five mile walk

No leg pain during my walk today. I spend about 5-10 minutes stretching in the morning now. My dog looks at me like I’m crazy, but I feel like it’s helping so much. I also woke up at 6:30 a.m. It was wonderful. Exhausting, but wonderful.

There’s something that excites me about walking long distances. I remember when I would walk two miles to work, and I felt like Frodo in Lord of the Rings. In August of last year, I attempted to walk home for the first time in over a year, and all I can remember is extreme leg pain and feeling out of breath. I remembered it while I was walking home last night. Each step was painful and when I finally made it home, I could barely talk. My boyfriend asked me how my day was, and I could barely make out the word “fine.”

It’s always amazing seeing how much I’ve improved in the past seven months. I’ve gone from considering a quarter-mile walk a workout to walking two miles to work and thinking nothing of it. I get into work, fan myself with a manila folder and start my day. It happened again today during a lunch walk with a co-worker. Half of the walk is all uphill, and I remember the first few times were very difficult for me. As we’re walking, she asks, “How are you not out of breath?” And I felt my heart beating a little faster but didn’t think too much of it. I was immediately reminded of a night in 2010. We were late for a concert in San Francisco, so we had to park a mile away from the venue (it definitely felt like a mile). The entire walk was uphill. I remembered trying to catch up with my friends, but my legs and lungs hurt and finally, I asked if we could stop. We hadn’t gone more than four blocks.

It’s really interesting looking back. It helps me understand why I want to move forward.

I need sushi. I know it’s not a necessity, but I need sushi. There’s a sushi go-around a few blocks from work I can go to maybe one night next week. For happy hour, red plates are $1.35 and everything else is $1.95. Not bad considering a purple plate is almost $4.

FitBit Stats (2/9 – 2/15)

Last week was difficult, but I kicked ass. I am saving up for a Garmin Forerunner. Not sure which model, but I might get the 10 since it’s cost-effective and has everything I need. Unfortunately, the GPS on my phone isn’t reliable, and I really want to work on my pace. What I’ve learned though is my FitBit is insanely accurate. Per Google Maps, my walk to work is 2.1 miles, and the FitBit records 2.09 miles each morning (and afternoon) during my commute walk.

Goals for next week:

  • 20,000 steps a day
  • wake up at 6:00 a.m. in preparation for the hell that will be early morning training (I figure I can at least slowly ease my body into the torture)
  • no eating out (I can’t believe how much money I’m saving)
  • kick this week’s ass
TOTAL STEPS
149,073
DAILY AVERAGE
21,296 steps
BEST DAY
28,630 steps
TOTAL DISTANCE
64.19 miles
DAILY AVERAGE
9.17 miles
BEST DAY
12.27 miles
TOTAL CALS BURNED
26,814
DAILY AVERAGE
3,831 cals
BEST DAY
4,350 cals
CALORIES IN VS OUT
-7382
WEEKLY TOTAL
26818 cals burned
12436 cals eaten
-7000 plan deficit

I don’t want my identity to be the “girl who lost a lot of weight” or “the girl who lost and gained a lot of weight.” I want to enjoy a whole tub of ice cream without guilt. I want to run a mile because I enjoy it, not because I need to “make up” for the food I ate. And I know the rest of my life is learning who I am and adapting to the world around me. I know some days I will feel okay about who I am and other days I won’t. It’s a balance I must learn to accept. The bad makes the good so much better. And the good makes me appreciate that the bad has its lessons.

I am tired of making my weight my whole identity. Anything good in my life is immediately punctuated with “if only I wasn’t so fat.” That’s what my parents used to tell me. If only you’d lose weight, Joni. Lord have mercy on your body. How would anyone love you? I believe I have forgiven them. Can I forgive myself?

I can be a successful person in the body I have now. And though I have a goal to lose weight, I have so many others. I signed up for a marathon, because I fell in love with walking, and I want to focus on something other than a scale and measuring food. I want my body to be something more than pounds and skin. I want to push its limits and work toward something I feel I can accomplish. I want to learn how to cook, because I’ve never enjoyed food. I punished myself with it. I finally gave myself permission to love food without guilt. Once I did, I felt this release of pressure inside of me. I put so much emphasis on binging. I didn’t know how to deal with my life any other way and over the last seven months, I’m realizing that life has a great amount of pain in it, but it’s never as painful as what I did to myself.

I want to stop waiting for my life to begin. It’s here. I’m finally grasping it. I feel… relieved. There is no time limit for growth. I will stall. I will fall back. But I’ll always come back and move forward. There is no other way.

After seven months, I now feel the impact of all the changes I’ve made. I didn’t want to prepare my meals for the week yesterday, but I did it anyway. Friday night, I had every opportunity to take the bus, but I walked home. I had the strongest urge to order pizza and wings, eat it all and hide it from my boyfriend. Instead, I made it on my own. These things used to take so much work. I am proud of the moments I had to drag my feet home. I am happy I created a Sunday ritual — just me in my kitchen. They are no longer done because I want to lose weight but because I enjoy them. I no longer look at them as calculations of calories in and calories out. It’s just life.

I know it will take a long time for me to learn who I am, and I’m not afraid to do that anymore.

Meal Prep Sundays

Meal prep for the week:
  • turkey and black bean chili
  • chicken and vegetable stir fry
  • spinach salads (chicken, feta, bacon, pesto)
  • potato salad with pesto and baco

Keeping it simple this week.

Wes loves pickled jalapenos. The other night, I made a quesadilla with ground turkey, sharp cheddar, red bell peppers and pickled jalapenos, and he thought it was amazing. They tasted like nachos. I mean, they really are, just in a different form. In my next pickling adventures, I will try red onions.

Marathon Training Program

Marathon training begins March 2nd. I am following Hal Higdon’s Novice Supreme training program. The only thing I plan on changing is switching Sundays and Mondays. Since I don’t own a car, I’m on my feet Monday through Friday, and I’d really like one day where I’m just 100% lazy. That also means I’ll have to change my Friday rest day to Wednesday or Thursday to even things out.

Since training ends a week before the marathon, I will redo one week. I live a few blocks away from a beautiful park, and I plan on making that my stomping grounds. I should apologize to the park in advance for all the expletives I will likely scream.

I plan on walking the marathon, but I want to push myself to get some jogging in as well. The first four months aren’t too intimidating and I’m sure by the time it’s over, the rest won’t be so bad. The key to make this successful is consistency. I will have really shitty days, but I have to push through them.

One thing I’ve learned about working out and walking especially is that I hate listening to music. So maybe instead of workout mixes, I’ll have a pre and post-workout mix. Why does that excite me so much?

I have a three day weekend, and I plan on being very lazy and doing a lot of reading. I’m excited for this weekend’s meal prep. I’m trying out a few new recipes. I also haven’t made a pot of chili in far too long. I’m sure Wes will be excited.

Training plan

Week Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat Sun
1 Rest 1.5 m run 3 m run 1.5 m run Rest 3 m run 30 min walk
2 Rest 1.5 m run 3 m run 1.5 m run Rest 3.5 m run 35 min walk
3 Rest 1.5 m run 3 m run 1.5 m run Rest 3 m run 40 min walk
4 Rest 2 m run 3 m run 1.5 m run Rest 4 m run 30 min walk
5 Rest 2 m run 3 m run 2 m run Rest 3 m run 45 min walk
6 Rest 2 m run 3 m run 2 m run Rest 4.5 m run 30 min walk
7 Rest 2 m run 3 m run 2 m run Rest 3 m run 50 min walk
8 Rest 2 m run 3 m run 2 m run Rest 5 m run 30 min walk
9 Rest 2 m run 3 m run 2.5 m run Rest 3 m run 55 min walk
10 Rest 2 m run 3 m run 2.5 m run Rest 5.5 m run 30 min walk
11 Rest 3 m run 3 m run 3 m run Rest 3 m run 60 min walk
12 Rest 3 m run 3 m run 3 m run Rest 6 m run 30 min walk
13 Rest 3 m run 3 m run 3 m run Rest 6 m run Cross
14 Rest 3 m run 3 m run 3 m run Rest 7 m run Cross
15 Rest 3 m run 4 m run 3 m run Rest 5 m run Cross
16 Rest 3 m run 4 m run 3 m run Rest 9 m run Cross
17 Rest 3 m run 5 m run 3 m run Rest 10 m run Cross
18 Rest 3 m run 5 m run 3 m run Rest 7 m run Cross
19 Rest 3 m run 6 m run 3 m run Rest 12 m run Cross
20 Rest 3 m run 6 m run 3 m run Rest 13 m run Cross
21 Rest 3 m run 7 m run 4 m run Rest 10 m run Cross
22 Rest 3 m run 7 m run 4 m run Rest 15 m run Cross
23 Rest 4 m run 8 m run 4 m run Rest 16 m run Cross
24 Rest 4 m run 8 m run 5 m run Rest 12 m run Cross
25 Rest 4 m run 9 m run 5 m run Rest 18 m run Cross
26 Rest 5 m run 9 m run 5 m run Rest 14 m run Cross
27 Rest 5 m run 10 m run 5 m run Rest 20 m run Cross
28 Rest 5 m run 8 m run 4 m run Rest 12 m run Cross
29 Rest 4 m run 6 m run 3 m run Rest 8 m run Cross
30 Rest 3 m run 4 m run 2 m run Rest Rest Marathon