Carne asada fries. Baked the fries, roasted the garlic and jalapeno for the guacamole and marinated the flank steak for two hours. Amazing.
For the next few weeks/months/probably years, I’m going to share old journal entries I’ve written. I feel so much growth in what I’ve written, and I’m proud of where I am today.
There’s a scene in My Mad Fat Diary where Dr. Kester asks Rae to look at herself as a child and tell her she’s not worthy of love. When Rae finally does, something inside of her clicks, like she’s viewing herself objectively. She is fine as she is, and that child is beautiful.
I find it difficult watching the scene, because I don’t think I’ve ever respected myself.
Reflecting on my weight loss, I’m realizing that this is less about weight and more about being kind to myself. The rest will follow. That was so difficult for me to understand, and that’s why losing weight never stuck. I always found a way to punish myself. When I binged, I thought I was fulfilling some void inside of me. And while a part of that is true, I would eat to the point where I was feeling pain, whether it be from overeating or the constant back pain I felt from carrying too much weight. Conversely, when I lost weight, I would starve myself and work out to the point of complete exhaustion. It was all a form of punishment, whether I was losing or gaining.
It’s painful knowing that’s how I lived most of my life. I spent so long not understanding why I did this to myself and when I finally did, I almost wish I hadn’t known. It is so scary living in a world knowing that at any point, someone can hurt you, whether it be physically or emotionally. It’s scarier knowing you’re the one doing it.
Though I cannot change the past, I can forgive myself. I can understand why I did these things. I can move on. I can live. Most of all, I can treat myself the way I want to be treated. I can look back at the little girl I once was and tell her she’s beautiful. I can see me at 18 and tell her things aren’t perfect, but she is in her own way. And I can stand in front of the mirror today and love what I see.
- The best way to reach my step goal is by dancing. Last night, I danced for a little over an hour. I looked like a fool, but I was a happy fool. Thank you, Four Tet, for creating music I can look like an ass to.
- I wore new shoes to work today, and my knee is thanking me, but my achilles heel is not. I can handle blisters anywhere else but there. Why, shoes?
- Shortly before passing out last night, my boyfriend said, “We should run together.” Our schedules don’t always match but if we plan out our schedules in advance, I think we can do it. I think it will help with my confidence too. I used to have issues just walking outside so to run in public where people are is a bit unnerving. The last time I ran in public, I was in high school. And it wasn’t really a run. It was more of a waddle.
- Paying all of my bills in less than five minutes is really nice.
- What I really love about owning a food scale is guessing how much food weighs. I used to do this when I worked in a deli. Whenever we were right on the dot, we congratulated each other.
- I exchange e-mails with a wonderful friend on MFP and today, I wrote something to her that I couldn’t really put into words before: I tend to psyche myself out. So many weird thoughts flood my head. What if I can’t do it? What if I gain all the weight back? What if I do everything right and the weight just doesn’t come off? And then I feel the rational side of myself come out and say, “Why does it matter? You are doing everything you can to be healthy, so why torture yourself over the number? If you’re being the healthiest version of yourself, that’s all that matters.”
Meal Prep for Sunday
- black bean soup
- black bean brownies
- chocolate & banana ice cream
- chicken breasts
- ground turkey
- carne asada
- roasted vegetables (zucchini, red bell pepper, onions and garlic… all the garlic)
- Spinach & walnut pesto (with roasted garlic, because that is my new obsession)
What I really like doing is making parts of meals, so I can come up with whatever I want by the time it’s ready to eat. Keeping my meal preps simple gives me so much more time on Sundays too. I remember one Sunday I was in the kitchen for five hours. Last weekend? Two. And most of it was waiting for something else to cook.
On January 1, 2011, I vowed 2011 was my year. It had to be. It’s a new year, a new me. I’m not eating out at all. I’m never eating pizza again. I can’t have ice cream. I’m going to exercise everyday for an hour. I wrote out my very long list of resolutions and knew that I would keep all of them.
On January 21, 2011, I binged on Del Taco. The order included macho nachos, macho fries and four chicken soft tacos. I also binged the next day. My friends knew not to ask me, because I did the same thing in 2009. And 2008. They bit their tongue as I talked about doing an all smoothie diet. At one point, I attempted a raw vegan diet. It lasted a day and a half. Every year, I tried something as crazy as the year before and every year, it ended before the 1st of February.
Every time I failed at something, I had the perfect excuse. I don’t have the motivation. I’m not focused enough. I can’t do this. And inevitably, I waited until January 1st to make the same mistakes again. I was failing the same way every time, attempting things I knew wouldn’t work, so I could then say, “Well, that didn’t work, so I’ll be fat forever.” I wanted to fail, so I never had to put in real effort to lose weight.
It’s odd looking back and being so honest with myself. I could have saved so many years of my life had I known what I know now. But I didn’t. I had to make a lot of mistakes to be where I am now, and I will make many more.
Regardless of how new the year is, I’m still me. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to have shitty days, skip workouts and overeat. I am not perfect, and I embrace that I will never be. The difference between this year and the many before is understanding that progress isn’t perfect. Sometimes, growth feels like decay. That’s because I’m building myself from scratch. I’m becoming me all over again but this time better and stronger. I refuse to hide from that anymore. I’m not wasting another moment not becoming the person I want to be.
I’m not waiting until next year. This shit is time sensitive, and I am my first priority.
- My knee is so much better today. I will try walking home tonight and see how it goes.
- I received a call for an interview but declined. I didn’t realize it would be paying half what I make now. I need to apply for jobs that are a little out of my comfort zone, so I’m going to spend some time tonight and this weekend working on my résumé and cover letter. I feel confident in the work I provide and should apply for jobs I deserve.
- Last night, I received mail from Domino’s pizza. “It’s been too long! Is it something we delivered?” Nah, I just like my pizza better. If you haven’t tried pizza with pesto, caramelized onions, roasted garlic and feta, please do. And add bacon. Lots and lots of bacon.
- I’m wearing another dress I couldn’t wear a year ago. It’s still a little tight in the mid-section, but I couldn’t even fit through the arms the last time I tried to wear it. I never realized how many cute dresses I had until they fit.
- Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I think of things I want to change. This morning was the first time in a very long time I looked in the mirror and appreciated it. Am I 100% happy with my body? Of course not. But it’s my body, and there’s no use hating it. It’s all I have for the rest of my life. It’s done amazing things, and we’re going to do even more amazing things.
- This weather is made for Julie Doiron’s music (Heavy Snow, Blue, Goodnight, No More, Lovers of the World — repeat, repeat, repeat).
- Along with learning how to make carne asada this weekend, I am going to make butter and aioli. No more store-bought mayo or butter. We also haven’t purchased a loaf of bread in over a month, which is kinda cool. Maybe at some point I’ll make all of our tortillas.
Tomorrow is my 200th day on MyFitnessPal. I don’t know why that matters but in thinking about it, this is the longest I’ve been consistent. Of course, I have days where I miss workouts, change my meal plan for the day and feel like crap in general, but I never let it affect the next day. I’m always thinking, “Well, I didn’t go today, so I’m just not going for the rest of the year.” Or “I ate really poorly for lunch, so let’s just go on a week-long binge.” Now I understand that it isn’t about never making a mistake. It’s about picking myself back up right after the mistake, owning up to it and moving on (thanks, Wes). And that’s really big for me. I always let my mood dictate what/how much I ate and whether or not I exercised. Nike was right, man. Just do it. I’ve never come back from a walk thinking it was a horrible decision.
Last night, I came home and noticed the scale is finally gone. I know Wes probably thinks I’m crazy, but I’m glad he keeps it to himself and tries to understand where I’m coming from. He’s lost eighty pounds without counting a single calorie or tracking exercise, so I know it’s amusing to him when I freak out about not knowing how many calories I’m eating or if I forgot to bring my FitBit with me to work. His nonchalant attitude toward weight loss is incredibly inspiring. If he notices he’s gained a bit of weight, he just changes what he does and moves on. He’s also the easiest person to cook for and though I know he hates it, he does all the things I hate doing (grocery shopping and peeling hard-boiled eggs are the worst). He also hates eating at restaurants, so my home cooking challenge isn’t really a challenge.
Speaking of home cooking, I didn’t realize how much I used to order delivery. I finally gathered up the courage to look at how much money I spent in 2013/2014… for shame. I keep on toying with the idea of doing this for a year. I’m almost two months in, and I do miss a few things, but they’re all things I’m going to learn how to make anyway. Of course, I’ll make exception for potlucks and parties, but I think I might try it. I’m happy to go as long as I can… or until the need for sushi overwhelms me.
My knee is so much better today. I did walk to work, but I plan on taking the bus again tonight. I was upset last night about it, but that just means I miss and like being active. I don’t think I’ve ever walked so much in my life.
I’m excitedly waiting for the weekend. I’m making carne asada fries with fish tacos.
What inevitably happens as I work toward a goal is I start looking at the big picture and not the details. Last week, I fretted over marathon training. I’m logging in the miles, but I’m not walking as fast as I want. I kept on looking at the space between where I am and where I want to be and felt intimidated. But I was acting like I needed to be at my goal tomorrow rather than building up to it. Instead of planning out my exercise, I kept on thinking, “How in the world am I going to get to that goal?” Because of that, I experienced a lot of setbacks last week, and they were all mental (partly physical since my left knee is still giving me problems). And for a few days, I let myself experience it in its entirety.
It is easy getting trapped into a cycle of self-defeat, because there is no question about what happens next. What I’m doing now is scary sometimes. I sometimes think I don’t have what it takes to accomplish my goals, and I want to hide. It’s a reflex. What I need to understand is that I don’t have what it takes to reach my goals now. I’m not going to run a marathon tomorrow, but I am going to walk another two miles home tonight. I’m not going to be under 200 pounds by next week, but I will log my food today and make sure I’m within my goal. Over time, I’ll get closer, but I can’t base my success on what I haven’t accomplished yet. Goals like this take time.
What I sometimes fail to see is how much I’ve already improved.
- When I started, I couldn’t walk around the block. Now, I’m walking 5-10 miles a day.
- When I started, I was eating out daily. Now, I make all of my food and enjoy meals out once or twice a month (well, lately not at all)
- When I started, I binged almost daily. I haven’t binged in six months.
- When I started, I felt like my life wasn’t going in the direction I wanted. While I still have some steering to do, I’m learning what makes me happy and following it.
None of these things happened immediately. When I started walking to work, I limped almost immediately (and the sweat, wow). Over time, without realizing it, I walked faster and the pain in my legs stopped completely. All those days I walked to work sweaty and defeated, I realized I was making a positive choice, but I didn’t expect how much it would change me. Those steps matter, and they deserve to be celebrated.
This isn’t about how far I have to go. It’s about how far I’ve come. Understanding that revives me. I can do this.
For the week:
- tuna mornay
- chicken breasts (pan-fried and chopped for salads/burritos/sandwiches)
- spinach & artichoke pasta
- turkey & zucchini meatballs w/ feta
- roasted tomato sauce
- spinach pesto egg salad
- coleslaw (not spicy this time :))
- custard (going to layer bananas, custard and peanut butter for desserts throughout the week)
Since starting my home cooking challenge in December, I’ve learned at least one new recipe a week. They are all amazing, but I’m going to tone it down a bit. We’re always over our grocery budget, and we were doing so well! So instead of learning one special recipe a week, I’m now doing it every other week. I think for my next adventure I will make carne asada.
Today, I asked Wes to hide the scale again. When I’m not focusing on the scale, I feel better and my goals are more about improving my fitness and not what number I should see.
Tonight, I overate. In the middle of eating, I looked down at my plate, realized I had enough and put the rest of it away. I know I will never be 100% free from binging. There are good days and bad days and on those bad days, I just need to remember that it won’t last forever. Learning to be kind to myself is… fucking amazing. I am not one bad meal. I am not the number on the scale.
I am so very late posting my progress from 1/12-1/18.
|TOTAL CALS BURNED
|CALORIES IN VS OUT
27343 cals burned
11942 cals eaten
-7000 plan deficit