I’ve spent the past couple months reading this blog and though I cringe after almost every sentence, I’m glad I documented all of my thoughts while I attempted to improve my health. It wasn’t easy showing that side of me. At the time I felt so embarrassed for all of my mistakes that all I could do was stop. But now as I read the words I understand. I was always at the cusp of something great, and I quickly gave up because I was so afraid of change. So reading it now I understand why I did all these things to myself. It’s just really difficult looking back on those moments sometimes.
So, to the good stuff.
I received a job offer and moved to Portland June of 2013, and my boyfriend moved with me in December along with his two adorable cats, Dippy and Niko. In January, we adopted our cute terrier, Marson (I have no idea what kind of terrier he is, but he’s adorable and crazy). In June, I started going to the gym and as of today, I have not binged in five months and two weeks.
When I finally stepped on the scale in July, I repeated the process ten times to make sure I weighed 329. Yup. I did. And at first I felt angry with myself. After all I went through, I gained over fifty pounds in the span of two years. I could have repeated the process I created for myself years ago: weigh-in, feel depressed, fast, binge, repeat. Instead, I felt sad for a bit and realized I couldn’t successfully lose weight and keep it off repeating this process.
I am amazed at all the changes I’ve made in my life in almost six months. I have no idea what I weigh today. I asked Wes to hide the scale from me and to only let me weigh-in once a month. I sometimes fail at this miserably by weighing myself with the Wii Fit, but I’ve come a long way from weighing myself multiple times a day and fasting in order to see lower numbers just before weekly weigh-ins.
In August, I started walking to work everyday (two miles) and by the end of October, I began walking to and from work. Sometimes I think that what I’m doing isn’t enough, but I realize that’s just the part of me that wants to fail. When I celebrated four months of no binging, I signed up for the Portland Marathon in 2015.
I’m still obsessed with film photography and now need my own fridge to store all of my film. I love my life.
A couple weeks ago, I wrote down the following: I feel at home inside of myself. And once I wrote it, it felt right and true, and I couldn’t believe I had accomplished something that felt so impossible before. I am so incredibly proud of myself.
So, this blog. I have no idea what I plan on doing in this blog. All I know is that I need to write down what’s happening, because I spent so much time focusing on the negative that I put little spotlight on the positive.