For the past four months, my weight loss has been very slow and somewhat steady. I lose in clumps. For weeks, I will see the scale creep up and up and then down and then up again. Finally, I will receive a pretty big loss to tide me over while the process begins its cycle again. This would drive me crazy. But lately, I’ve learned to embrace the slow process of weight loss.
I don’t know what my goal weight is. I won’t know until I get there. And honestly, I’m not sure if there will be a time where I think, “Looks good. Maintenance mode commence!” This is a lifetime of ups and downs and “shit, what is wrong with me?” Being content will happen inside of my head. Until then, I will be attempting to balance out what my brain feels and sees and trying to find that spot where it all reaches equilibrium. And until them, I am totally fine with losing weight slowly. It’s infuriating at times, but it’s also a lesson to my mind. This is not about a scale. And it never will be.
Lately, I’ve been more into health more than weight loss. And because of this, I am more content with my body. I am less focused on calories. I am not obsessing over the scale anymore. And because of this, I feel different. I am healthier than I’ve ever been, and I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. So whether I lose a pound a week or a pound a month, it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. It’s all inside, all of these crazy things happening to me. Things that are making me stronger and more determined than I have ever been.
I am finding how easy it is to forget who I am throughout the day. It’s easy to miss a walking break when I’m busy. I forget to drink enough water. I eat without thinking. I miss workouts for a whole week. And at the end of it, I wonder how the time passed. I wonder why I feel so tired and weak. And I think, “I felt this way for my whole life? I allowed myself to think that this was okay and that this was the level of fine I would be content with until I died?”
I would be lying if I didn’t say that this week hasn’t affected me in many ways. This is the kind of bump that’s necessary to toughen me up. And today, I crumbled underneath it all. I was tired of being strong, tired of acting nonchalant when in fact I’m dealing with so much in my life right now. And when I feel this weakness inside of me, I remember, “In one hundred years, none of this will matter.” It’s strange thinking that, because it just means that I’m small. But I am. But what it means is that I have every opportunity to enjoy what I have. So these things that I am so worried about, they really mean little. Because in the end I can only take care of my own happiness. In the end, it’s just me.
So after I crumbled, I got back up. I am no longer focused on how much worse it can get but how much better it will be.
Positive note for today: While I haven’t been exercising (MFing ankle pain), I have been staying true to my Spending Fast and home cooking experiment. Calories have been over a few times, but I’m logging everything. I’m realizing that I have a new version of feeling off… before, it would be a massive binge, and I wouldn’t log, and then I would just feel terrible for days. Now, I still continue to log, eat reasonably, but am too lazy for a few things. That alone feels like accomplishment. I have created new habits that will last forever. So even if I’m feeling off, I’m still on top of my shit. It feels really good that I’ve made that change in my life.
As of today, I have lost 70.2 pounds. It’s a little weird thinking about that number right now. But everyday I work at this, the easier it gets. There are days it’s so difficult that I can’t understand how I even got this far. But on most days I realize that I’ve been doing this everyday for the past seven and a half months. Whether I wanted to or not, I logged my food. Even on days where I was ashamed, I did it. There were times I didn’t exercise, times I hated myself, times I was so ready to give up on everything. I guess my point is that I can’t treat everyday as the only day. There’s a bigger picture, one that means that this is the rest of my life, not just a short period of time that I care for my health for skinny jeans.
So when I stare at a number, I don’t see struggle. I see progress. I see happy moments. I see everything I’ve wanted in my life and what it took to get it. And I think once I started understanding things as they were and that I had to focus on just putting one foot in front of the other, I realized it was a lot easier to reach my goals. I can’t look at 200 pounds. I have to look at one. And I will meet each one and say goodbye to them just like the last 70.
- January 2, 2012 Weight: 289.6
- February 2, 2012 Weight: 281.2
- Weight Loss in 2012: 8.4
- Total Weight Lose: 68.8
I have been at the brink of reaching the 270s for a little over a week now. I’ll get there.
I survived an entire month of home cooking. How am I going to celebrate? By making eggplant and chicken parmesan tomorrow night! That’s right. I am extending this challenge for as long as I can. Whether it’s another day or another year, I am super proud of accomplishing this.
Things I learned:
- I can cook! And I can cook well!
- I am creative.
- I know what I like, and I definitely know what I don’t like.
- I can taste the salt in everything.
- Cheese doesn’t have to be a main course (although, it’s so damn tasty).
- Butter isn’t scary.
- To sauté is to love.
- Beware of pre made everything.
For February, I have a few things coming up. I’m going to be vegan for a week (just to try it again). I am going to try and exercise in the mornings again and see how it feels. I am also going to try and stay within my calorie goal for the entire month.
This whole week has been draining. I was asked to be a part of a work group to work on inventory for all youths at our facilities and am helping with creating a spreadsheet for it. It was exhausting listening to thirty different opinions and trying to condense it down to something everyone could agree to. I also faced a minor injury with my right ankle which now feels a bit better, but I have taken two days off from working out to heal correctly. Along with this, I am still faced with uncertainty over my position at work, but I’m remaining hopeful. The experience alone has helped. And I hope I won’t have to dip into my savings for my car registration tomorrow. But really, broken all down, it’s just simple problems that can’t be changed but can be remedied, and I can get through it. I am just thoroughly exhausted.
January was the perfect month, and I am happy to say that it was the month I needed to get back into my stride. For months, I felt kind of shattered. I was doubtful and worried over things I couldn’t change. Now that I am focusing on what I can do, I’m much happier. However, I am going to need some major sleep this weekend.