Dear 2012

Dear 2012,

Usually, I wait for the new year to begin.  This year, I see that you’re waiting for me.  I can tell you’re a little scared.  I see you pray upon resolutions, tearing them down within days of the beginning.  But you can’t stop something already set in motion.  2011 was the year I blossomed.  2012 is the year I learn to continue my path toward health.  You can tell how much I’ve changed just by how cliche I’ve become.

You are going to be the best year of my life.  I have learned that everyday is uncertain and that feeling is inevitable.  I am terrified of the things I can’t change but know that I can adapt without compromising my beliefs and wants.  I can be who I am without taking away any part of myself.  I will remain in tact despite the bad that happens in my life.

What I have taken from 2011 is that there is a lot more that I can change than I originally believed.  I felt so powerless that I figured what I had was it.  But when I started taking back the parts of myself I needed, I realized that change is sometimes a fleeting action without provocation or thought.  And sometimes, that guttural reaction is exactly what we need.  And when I reacted that way on that random day in June, I realized that I wasn’t just losing weight.  I stopped relying on others for my happiness and depended entirely on myself.

So 2012, what I’m saying is that I don’t need you.  I am not waiting for you to begin, and I will not rush myself while you end.  But I will move with you as the seconds pass, as our time together is limited to just a year.  I want to show you the best side of me, as I have finally shown 2011.

See you tomorrow,



Don’t Wait.

I haven’t worked out for at least a month.  I’ve done a lot of walking but no real work outs.  I have tracked all of my food, and it was so embarrassing that I had to close my diary.  And a part of me thought that it would be best to spend the rest of the year clawing my way through this and making a real start on the first of the year.  However, I don’t think I can fool myself anymore with that kind of thinking.  If I’m going to do this, I have to immerse myself in it.  No thinking.  No what ifs.  No “Monday sounds good.”  It’s now.  If I made the decision right now, that means my actions toward what I want start now.  So after a month of lackadaisical behavior, I went on the elliptical for thirty minutes.

This work out is brought to you by “Say My Name” by Holy Ghost!  So perfect.  It felt amazing.  To feel my heart take over the rest of my body and just move without caring what I was feeling… it’s what I needed.  Just before working out, I almost considered waiting until tomorrow.  But there was this pull in my body saying, “Are you kidding me?  You don’t just stop because you don’t feel like it.  Your life can’t be ruled by a calendar.  It’s ruled by you.”

So when I thought of the past month, I realized I had a mental stop, a plateau that I created so I could continue to have the barrier I’ve had my whole life.  I was reminded of Marshall from How I Met Your Mother.  The past month hasn’t been good enough.  But I forgave myself.  And now, enter the fierceness that I had when I began.  I was a girl filled with wonder and just because the honeymoon phase of weight loss is long gone doesn’t mean I can’t reignite it with some hot, sweaty lovin’.

I’m not waiting until the first of January to start my goals.  I’m beginning right now (in reality, I started six months ago).  I continue in the middle of the night, in the waking of the day, and I even continue in stops like this.  The falling makes everything else count, and  it amplifies the sound of my body screaming “YES” to the things I was so unsure of.  Because even while my mind was so ready to just crumble, it prepared me for today when I finally spoke to myself.

I am not the product of my environment.  I am the product of my wants to reach self-fulfillment.  It’s all about that self-actualization, son.

If I really wanted to think about this further, this all started the second I was born.  The days I was weak prepared me to be strong.  Because now I know that the only thing that can stop me from the life that I want is me.  And I better get the hell out of the way.

A Week in Pictures: The “Where Have You Been, Young Lady?” Edition

Life lately has been a collection of the good, the bad, and the “oh, no you didn’t.”  With it’s difficulty, I’m learning.  As I’m finally easing back into life, it’s also time to get back to progress and documentation of said progress.  Here it goes.

On the 9th, we moved buildings.  Unfortunately, this meant that I would either have to pay for parking downtown, take the bus, or take the light rail.  I decided to try the light rail this month.  At times it’s busy, and I can tell when someone has been smoking A LOT of weed, it’s probably one of the best experiences one can have.  I spend a lot less on gas, as I only drive to the station, and I get to walk seven blocks to and from work.  Not a bad deal at all.  Even if I didn’t want to exercise, the walk would be inevitable.

Also, I never realized how gorgeous it is in the morning.

Downtown is lovely and busy, however I haven’t had much time to go exploring other than our new offices.  I did have time yesterday to pimp up my cubicle.  I love making patterns out of old polaroids.  It kind of reminds me of my first apartment.

I don’t think I have ever been this organized.  Since we are working in smaller offices, I was pleasantly surprised when our small suite would be allowed to have our own fridge.  While I didn’t have time throughout the week to go grocery shopping, I did do some… ahem… eating.  Since eating at Petra Greek, I haven’t had the heart to eat anywhere else.  And I don’t intend on doing so.  IT’S FREAKING EXPENSIVE.  Their gyros are divine.

I know it looks kind of… funky, but it is incredibly tasty and gives me death breath.  I’ve never seen a place put fries in their gyros, but I’ll take it.  I also tried one of their burgers, and it was probably one of the best burgers I’ve had in a long time.  No offense to me, but I have a lot to learn about delicious burger making.

But I did go grocery shopping!  I went to Trader Joe’s and stocked up on everything I needed for the office.  The only problem was walking the seven blocks to the office.  It was kind of hilarious watching me carry about twenty pounds of groceries, but it was a great calorie burn.  All in the name of frugality and health!

Last week, my boss took us to Pancake Circus just as a last hurrah since we were all separating to different cities.  I don’t have many pictures from there other than a Pacman pancake and this delicious hot chocolate.  It was great seeing everyone, and I didn’t realize everyone had chipped into get me a $100.00 Target gift card.  It was really sweet, and I am incredibly thankful that I was able to work with such an amazing group of people.  I won’t be seeing them as often as I would like, but hopefully we will have future get togethers.

It’s been a difficult the past month.  I continue to track my calories (as bad as they may be), and I document everything as much as I can.  I’ve been writing more than ever and working harder in my position.  However, I feel like I’m taking all of the work away from my weight loss.  I have gained a bit of weight, and I really can’t blame that on stress.  It’s just me attempting to adjust to change the same way I used to.  Eating doesn’t solve that, but somehow, my mind still thinks that way even if my body doesn’t exactly agree.  I want to be happy, but it’s difficult understanding how.  And I feel like people have these expectations of me.  Not in that I have to lose weight but in that I am supposed to act a certain way.  I am supposed to be happier or different… or maybe even just the same but smaller.  It is really easy for me to lose friends, and it’s basically just happening all over again.  This time, it’s just for the right reasons.  I may be alone, but I am creating my whole life from scratch.  It’s a life I deserve, and I deserve to have people around me who are supportive.

So to celebrate that change, I cut my hair.  It’s my favorite pixie cut that I always get, because I can’t seem to stay away from it.  I was tired of putting my hair in a bun.

I think I look a bit regal in this one.  It has taken some time to get used to.  It is a bit shorter than I intended it to be, but it will grow out.  It will be easier to work out, and it takes maybe a few seconds to prep my hair in the morning.  Honestly, I don’t think I could ever grow my hair out until it’s just right to my shoulders.  I love the ease of short hair, and I think it suits some of my features.  I think I was just ready for a change.  With everything else around me going a bit crazy, I realized that I needed it as well… something to show on the outside to reflect what was happening inside.  Here it is.

These are some pants I now fit into.  This is a size 22.  Another pair I purchased was a size 20.  Why is fit so weird?  It is a bit tight on the stomach, but it will be fun seeing it loosen up with time as I continue to get smaller.  When I started, I was a size 28.  It’s happening, and I love seeing it.  Even my toes are kind of excited.

I’m a proud mama.

And I leave you with this.  Yesterday as I was joking around with my sister, she and I were putting raisins and chocolate on our teeth.  It all resulted in this… I am not proud.  However, we had a good laugh for over an hour.  I think the pause between sentences makes it worth it.  I am learning to appreciate every little goddamn thing the world has to offer.  This happened yesterday morning.  How can I not fall in love with the morning when it offers me this?

And that is where this young lady has been.

Weigh in Monday

Last Week: 288.4
Today’s Weight: 286.8

I didn’t realize I have been majorly dehydrated for the past two weeks.  Since we’re moving offices, I have to bring in my jug of water.  Sadly, it isn’t enough for me.  I’m finally taking off the weight gained from the holidays, which I’m happy for.  I didn’t realize that a majority of it was water weight.  I have been hovering around the 280s for far too long, and it’s time to see the 270s at some point soon.

Goals for this week?  Drink lots of water, stay at my calorie goal, and make more of that delicious guacamole.

And then it clicked.

Once I knew, nothing else mattered. I sometimes lie to myself and think it doesn’t. I’ll fall back in my old ways and think I’m not worth the energy it takes to become something beyond myself. But I realize that the only thing I’ve wasted is time.

For the past month, I have felt myself slipping. One part of me is afraid of how much I know. I know what it takes, and it scares me. It’s more than what I have right now. My mind drains at all of the possibilities of the impossible.

I frequently forget that I don’t have to be at that place right now. It seems to be my life story as of late. I don’t have to conquer everything the second the want pops in my head. My mind sees Point A and Point B. It refuses to see the line (no matter how crooked or how it intertwines) it takes to go from one to the other.

But then it clicked. It was almost audible, like something in my brain had tried to work for so long but was creaking until the latch hooked just right. And when it happened, it’s like my whole body lit up. We both kind of knew something epic was happening.

The idea is so simple, and it was always in front of me. It was in the book I read over and over again. It was in that struggle to search for something that mattered, that finally made sense. All outside forces attempting to suck my energy, time, and money stopped. Once I found what mattered to me, I realized that nothing else could take that away from me. My health is one of those things.

I thought that if I did everything at once, it would somehow make sense in the end. So I went to school, I got a job, and I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. I was miserable. I was in debt. I dropped all of my classes. Something in me stopped, and I didn’t take the time to realize why. So I kept on trying to go to classes, going to work, and doing everything I thought was right. And I did it over and over again for many years. If I just kept on forcing myself, it would work at some point.

When I took the time to focus solely on my health, I didn’t realize the kind of life I was missing. I didn’t realize how much I missed walking and working out and (sadly) fitting into seats at public events. I didn’t realize how much I stopped writing until I started again. I didn’t realize I had all of these wants, because I covered them with things I didn’t care for. So why was I spending all of this time doing what I hated? I wish I could answer that wholly. I got stuck. Even as a kid, that’s all I knew. Do what everyone says, and I’ll be fine. I just have to neglect my wants, my health, and set aside what happiness I have.

But when it clicked, it just happened. I’m doing what I want for the first time in my life. I’m MAKING my life from scratch, every section of it. My wants are not based on anyone else’s. My successes and failures belong to me. My name is carved into every section of my life. And now that I know what I want, nothing else matters. I don’t seek anyone’s approval. I don’t compare myself to anyone. No one is involved in the decisions I make. And now that I know what I want to do with this body and mind, all of the problems I thought I had are gone. I’m in this life for me. Nothing else matters.