Every December, I plan out what I would like to do for the next year. And every January, I shatter them all. I somehow felt that one failure meant that all of my progress amounted to nothing. Even worse? I felt like I had to wait until January to make my goals again. I don’t know why. It’s something I’ve always done as a kid, and it just stuck with me.
I think my problem was that I took on too much too quickly. And when I felt the stress of it all come to surface, I imploded. Ambition is great but without the organization or discipline I needed to complete it all, I understand why none of it came to fruition.
It wasn’t until I focused on my health that I realized the key to completing goals relies heavily on my ability to pace myself. I struggle with it constantly. In my previous attempts, weight loss was severe calorie restriction, exercising until I either hated it or injured myself, and then wondering why nothing ever changed. Why? I didn’t make it fun, I didn’t learn anything, and I didn’t want to know and do more. So when I started losing weight in June, I decided that I wouldn’t inundate myself. I would do one or two things that were possible. I would do them until they were second nature, and I would do them well. And it would continue on until I realized I wasn’t just dreaming about it. But that’s the great thing about goals sometimes. Sometimes, you just get there, and you don’t even realize it.
I can’t help but wonder why I felt this sense of urgency. I realized that I didn’t want to be in my own body or in my own mind. I did things I hated, because I figured that would get me out of my own purgatory. I don’t think I cared what the end result was as long as I didn’t consider the reason behind it. Considering things rationally would have just pissed me off.
Looking at the reasons behind things is kind of like holding a mirror up to yourself. Your reasons for being healthy, for going to work, for loving, for drunk texting… they’re all reasons you’ve decided to live. So when you find those reasons, you are looking at yourself in words. And the outlines to get to your goal are the blueprint of your life. I was too scared to plan out those things, because I had no reason. I just knew I had to do something.
I think now that I’ve realized this, I know I can dream, but I can also do and be and create and thrive. I don’t have to be stuck inside thought bubbles that burst at my terrible attempts to find those reason.
When I realized this, I knew I was going to break my yearly tradition. In no particular order, here are some things I plan on doing in 2012:
- Lose 100 pounds
- Pay off any debt I have
- Save $3,000.00
- Complete my anthology
- Start an online shop
- Finish content on my website
- Train for a half marathon
- Complete my 2012 List
And in no particular order, here are some things I am going to do to complete them:
- I am not going to rush myself.
- I am going to record my progress, regardless of how small. This can be with photographs, with a spreadsheet, or by merely looking at how red my face is in frustration.
- If one thing goes wrong, I will not count it as a failure. I will understand why and then move on.
- If I feel overwhelmed, I will dance in my underwear. It happens anyway, but I might as well note this to myself.
- If I am feeling like a failure, I will look at my progress, and I will state my reasons for wanting to complete said goal.
- I will take this one day at a time and at times, one second at a time.
- I will finish. There is no time limit, but I know I will. That’s a lot of shit to do.