I can’t believe tomorrow is the first day of October. On the first day of this year, I decided I was going to change my life. It lasted for 20 and ½ days. On the second half of the 21st day, I binged on Del Taco. I had macho nachos with shredded beef, two chicken soft tacos, and a macho fry. I ate all of it. I spent an hour driving the same route, going home and then thinking longingly about food and driving back. I wanted to be full. I was so empty.
For twenty days, I had no idea what I was doing and stressed over the lack of progress. I honestly had no idea how to start. My biggest problem was that I had no idea how to ask for help. I obsessed over the minute. I did not think of the present but the person I was supposed to be. And when I tried to trace the line to mark the distance, I was overwhelmed by the duration. There were detours and hidden routes, shaky roads and closed off highways. At the time, I had no intentions, just wants. I was an escapist, and I wanted to leave my body.
There were so many possibilities. However, I chose nothing at all. The worst thing you can do for yourself isn’t to fail; it’s to do nothing. For years, that was my decision, because I thought that was better than failure. I considered that to be my reasoning for never beginning my life. What we find to be our protection from the world tends to be what unravels us in the end. We just have to let it.
There was no revelation experienced on June 13, 2011, just urgency. No glimpse in the mirror or previous picture brought me to my knees. I realized I was doing the best that I could with the life I had and realized that wasn’t enough. I wanted the world, but I allowed myself dirt. And while I could imagine my world being built around me, I forced myself to think that the dirt was enough. If you crawl in it enough, you find yourself content with it. And for years, I became it. You can become anything you want. I suppose I took that statement the wrong way.
And there are times when I feel the dirt beneath my fingers, cold and unfeeling, and I get drowsy thinking of the moments I was dead. But then I stand up and remember that my life has to be built again. And while I am no longer a part of the dirt, it’s where my roots are and where I learned to grow. And while being a part of that life almost killed me, reflecting back on it keeps me alive.
Today is September 30, 2011, and I can’t believe tomorrow is the first day of October.