Blossoming.

The day I injured my back, I was in bed for the entire day.  I went to work for about an hour before someone noticed me limping to my desk. I was then forced to go home.  A part of me didn’t want to accept the injury.  I was just starting to lose weight, barely a few days in.  And I couldn’t help but wonder why there was always a barrier.  There was always something testing me, and there was always an excuse to fail.

That night, in pain and unable to stand up straight, I worked out anyway.  I didn’t know at the time it was actually good for my back and hips to keep on moving.  I just knew that the pain was unbearable.  It took me fifteen minutes to get out of bed, and I just started walking.  I moved slowly and didn’t stop until the fifteen minutes was up, and I cried for the next few minutes.  Not in pain (although there was a lot of it) but for the mere fact that I knew at that moment there was no way my motivation was fleeting.

And there it grew.  It’s that spark some people have when they know they can’t just stop.  So the next time I think I’m too tired to work out or I need a rest day or I just don’t feel right, I have to think about the person I set out to be on that day.  That next month might have been the most painful in my life, but as I’ve said before and as Anais Nin seems to indicate, it really does fucking hurt to blossom.

It hurts to break out of our skin and have a new one form around us.  So today when I felt too tired to just get on the damn elliptical and do it, I thought of that moment.  I thought of the pain I never want to feel again.  And I thought of the girl, hunched and broken, creating her own spring regardless of how much it hurt to change.

A Letter from my Body.

Dear Jonnaliz,

This is in response to your incessant bitching for the past few days.  While I understand your feelings of trepidation toward reaching your goals, from what I’ve seen, you’ve never gotten anywhere by just stopping altogether.  You’ve done a great job so far, but you can’t just stop when things get difficult.  You get the most results when you’re fighting against that urge.

Yes, I’ve been testing you.  I’m proud that you stayed away from the lasagna yesterday while we were at Trader Joe’s.  I’m quite pleased that you purchased even more tofu and vegetables for your lunch.  But the bean and rice burritos?  Really?  I’m sorry you had to go to the bathroom at 5:00 AM this morning, but you’ve learned that purchasing burritos from the frozen aisle mean tough shits in the morning.

Although I was violently against you going to Bikram yoga for the first five days, I’m finding that I now crave it despite your unwillingness to go.  Going has made you drink more water and watch your food intake.  Ultimately, this makes my job easier to do.  Also, I can’t help but notice that you no longer have any back pain.  Leg pain while walking has completely gone.  However, I do notice that you’ve been experiencing joint pain at your elbows and knees.  Take it easy.  That standing bow pose isn’t going to leave, you know.

Look, I get it.  Adopting a different lifestyle is difficult.  It’s really difficult.  But what happens when you go back to what you once were?  If you truly feel that your body is worth just a double cheeseburger (or three.  I remember), I invite you to take that leap, but I will fight you the first few times.  After that, you’re on your own.  I will be waiting for you the next time around, but we can only do this so many times.

If you continue this despite feeling completely lethargic and burnt out, I promise you I will give you a healthy life.  Even if you decide you don’t want to exercise for a few days, all you have to do is provide me with enough nutrition to help restore your body and keep it healthy.  The best part?  You’ve fought most of the battle.  I bet it was hell just getting to this point.  I’m not saying it’s supposed to be easy now, but now that you have the tools, why don’t you keep on using them?  What’s the purpose of acquiring information if you don’t use it?  Hm?

I’m going to give you the one piece of advice you’ve heard over and over again: one day at a time.  And if you can’t do that, keep it at one moment at a time.  Remember when you read “Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” the first time?  You read the line over and over again in your head.

In a minute there is time for decisions and revisions for a minute to reverse

What are you going to do now?  Remain forever unchanged, stagnant, and determined to avoid life, or will you create yourself all over again and change it all?

Sincerely,

Your Body